I need some advise other than be patient. I tried that, but patience on a person who refuses to do better is wasted patience. We have been to an imam before discuss our problems. Let me first explain that my husband is not 100% horrible. He works and prays. My issue is I feel very slighted and it has only made me resent him. For starters, we have been married almost 10 years and our marriage was rocky the first 8 years and then I left him because he was physically abusive and neglectful. I stayed away for about 2 months and he begged me to come back, that he would change and he realized his errors. Even the imams here only told me be patient.
Ok, so I came back and granted he has not hit me again yet, he is still very nasty with his attitude and neglectful. When I say neglectful, I have to threaten a khula to force him to take care of me. When I do this, he will buy what I need for the time being and make promises to do better. I own 2 dresses, 1 niqab, and about 4 decent hijabs. I get shoes either by his mother’s hand-me-downs. or from him once a year. I handle all the actually bill payments, so I know just how much money he has. Trust me when I say he could afford to have two wives if he wanted. So, money is not the issue. We have been in this same house for 5 years and dispite having the money and the expertise, he refuses to fix our house. So, you know I am not exaggerating. I haven’t had a functioning kitchen in 5 years. I have to wash dishes in the bathroom sink as it is our only source of running water. Maybe this is ok in third world countries, but I have been in america all my life and I am not accustomed to living like this. My son doesn’t even have his own bedroom because the repairs needed in his room prevent him from sleeping in his own room. When I say repairs, I mean the ceiling is caving in and holes in the floors. This is throughout my house. Portions of our house is in such disrepair that we had to section that part of house off due to it being very dangerous. I mean I try not to ask for much, but if he hasn’t made true efforts to give me and our son at least the basic living accommodations in all this time, then how long do I have to be patient for this? I mean he will not let me slide on any of his rights over me, and even I have to shave him, trim his beard, henna his beard, literally serve him his food, daily massages, plus I have to homeschool our son. As far as ou son goes, he has absolutely no patience for him, I think he may have played a sport with him once, years ago. Usually he is always yelling at him and tell him to get lost, or go away. Like I said, I have to threaten a khula for him to agree to do something about our situation. Only then he gives me empty promises and swears he will do better, but he never follows through, or pretends to start working on it, then by a week or two later, it is back to business as usual. It’s like I better not even think about doing to him what he does to me or it will be Tyson vs. Spinks.
As long as I am fully compliant and submissive to his demands, the home is peaceful. As soon as I bring up anything, no matter how gentle or sweet my approach, he begins yelling about a divorce until I just give up. He has brought up divorce so much, that psychologically, I am ready for divorce now. Also, he is always spying on me via email, looking through my phone asking who’s number is this, or who is that, reading my private conversations with other sisters. I mean he reads my emails even before I do and questions me always about other men, when there are no other men. When is enough, enough? I am ready to ask for a khula, but since I don’t live in an Islamic country with a sharia court, am I forced to stay married to him if he won’t agree to a khula? Please understand the ulama in america offers very little recourse or real help to sisters. Instead I am just being told, go home, please your husband, and be patient.
Well, I’m already pleasing my husband up to 5 or 6 times a day, everyday and I have to do him other favors when I am on my cycle (oral) or he will get angry, yell, slam doors, whatever tantrum he wishes to make until I give him whatever he wants as much as he likes, I cater to him and I do everything for him by his manipulation and force, telling me what other wives do for their husbands. But you cannot expect a woman to love a man who is always taking and demanding what isn’t even his right, but she has to just sit and be miserable waiting for whatever measly bone he throws to her, just to keep her from walking out on him. I mean I have a Bachelor’s, I can wallk out on him and very well support myself and my son, but I really want to do this the correct way, but I don’t want to throw away my entire youth and be a doormat either, not even fi sibilillah. I really haven’t gone all the way into detail because I don’t wish to expose him or uncover every ugly fault, but what I haven’t told you is much worse, you will just have to trust that I am an adult and I know full well what is happening and what I am witnessing. What I have disclosed is plenty valid to ask for a khula. If he doesn’t agree, which why would he if he has everything just how he wants it? I mean, if you have a good slave, why let them go? I know him very well and splitting from him will not be an easy task.
When he has made it well known to me that I belong to him and I will always belong to him. That’s just it, I don’t want to be someone’s property. I just need to know my rights in this situation. Everyone says that a man cannot force a women to stay married to him and he can’t force her to do anything, but when it comes to acting on this, we women find it darn near impossible.
So, if he refuses, can I just walk out? Or can I pretend with him to leave Islam so our marriage is dissolved, then take the shahadah again. You know I really shouldn’t have to look for deceptive ways to get out of a failed marriage.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Assalāmu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullāhi wa barakātuh
We understand your pain and appreciate your frustration. We make dua Allah grant you relief from your predicament. Ameen.
To pretend leaving Islām is a major sin tantamount to Kufr. [1] Furthermore, to adopt kufr to come out of the marriage will not resolve your problem. Your marriage will remain intact. [2] We advise you contact the Sharī‘ah ‘Ulamā’ Board based in Chicago and request them for an annulment of the marriage. The board will consider your application and apply the laws accordingly.
Their website is:
You can contact them at:
You should explain to them that you referred the matter to us and enquired to adopt kufr to come out of the situation. This will express your frustration and urgency to the Board.
And Allah Ta‘ālā Knows Best
Saleem Khan
Student Darul Iftaa
Bradford, UK
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.