I asked this question before without recieving any answer. So I try again.
I have some questions in regards to my relationship that worry me a lot. I have had a rough year, which has drawn me closer to my deen (Alhamdulillah)
I have known my “boyfriend” since 2011. We met online, and have since then talked about getting married with both our families and leading a lawful life. In 2013 due to some difficulties with his papers we agreed upon getting married on paper only without telling our families. When we arrived for the paper marriage we ended up performing nikaah. About a month later my husband swore on his mother that he would not have children with me. And he made me swear on the Kabaah Shareef that I would not have a physical relationship with him, or force him to do so, as long as his parents don’t give a consent to our marriage. Due to the paper marriage we are forced to live together, and my family is going to marry me off to him in March.
My first question is in regards to our relationship. When we performed the paper marriage we weren’t prepared to perform the nikaah and it came as a surprise. Two of his brothers were present along with a lawyer and the imam. No one of the people present are signed as witnesses on our nikaah-naama. I had no one from my side present. My “boyfriend” says his niyah was not of nikaah, and he only did it because of the paper marriage at that point. I however, felt that the nikaah was real. I am now in doubt as to whether or not that nikaah is valid or not. Is he in fact my husband, or is he still just my boyfriend? I wish to know whether or not he is my mehram before i engage in further contact with him.
My other question is regarding our physical relationship. Despite the nikaah, we have not engaged in a physical relationship. In fact he refuses simple physical contact with me as well. I am in an age (25) now where I do feel the urge for closeness increase, and the wish for children. I swore on the Kabaah Shareef that I will not force him to engage in a physical relation, even though it is my duty as a wife. Can I refuse him to save my oath? Likewise is it fair for him to make me swear on something and hold back which is my right as his wife?
Please help me answer the questions above as I feel restless and insecure as to where I stand in regards to my deen.
In the Name of Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
You have not mentioned specific details in the query as to how exactly was the nikāh performed. As such, we are unable to determine whether or not you are married to the man in reference in terms of Shar‘iah. Nevertheless, a nikāh is performed with a proposal (ījaab) by one party and acceptance (qubūl) by the other party in the presence of two Muslim witnesses (two males or one male and two females).[1]
If the nikāh was not conducted according to the above mentioned conditions then you are not considered to be the wife of the man in reference.
Respected sister, if it is such that you are not married then it is important to acknowledge that Islām condemns and is averse to any form of pre-marital relationship. Shar‘iah has prohibited free and open communication with the opposite gender. Consider the following verse,
وَلاَ تَقْرَبُواْ الزِّنَى
“And do not even draw (go) near to fornication (do not indulge in anything that may lead to it).” (Surah Al-Israa’: Ayat 32)
As such, it is impermissible to have any form of contact with the person in reference. Tawbah and istighfār should be made for having such a relationship with him.
And Allah Ta‘āla Knows Best
Fahad Abdul Wahab
Student Darul Iftaa
USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
[1] النكاح ينعقد بالإيجاب والقبول، بلفظين يعبر بهما عن الماضي، أو يعبر بأحدهما عن الماضي وبالآخر عن المستقبل، مثل أن يقول زوجني فيقول زوجتك.ولا ينقعد نكاح المسلمين إلا بحضور شاهدين حرين بالغين عاقلين مسلمين أو رجلٍ وامرأتين، عدولاً كانوا أو غير عدولٍ، أو محدودين في قذفٍ
وهو (ينعقد بالإيجاب) من أحد المتعاقدين (والقبول) من الآخر (بلفظين يعبر بهما عن الماضي) مثل أن يقول: زوجتك، فيقول الآخر: تزوجت؛ لأن الصيغة وإن كانت للأخبار وضعاً فقد جعلت للإنشاء شرعا، دفعاً للحاجة (أو) بلفظين (يعبر بأحدهما عن الماضي و) يعبر (بالآخر عن المستقبل) وذلك (مثل أن يقول) الزوج للمخاطب: (زوجني) ابنتك، مثلا (فيقول: زوجتك) ، لأن هذا توكيل بالنكاح، والواحد يتولى طرفي النكاح على ما نبينه، هداية. (ولا ينعقد نكاح المسلمين) بصيغة المثنى (إلا بحضور شاهدين حرين بالغين عاقلين مسلمين) سامعين معاً قولهما فاهمين كلامهما على المذهب كما في البحر (أو رجل وامرأتين، عدولا كانوا) أي الشهود (أو غير عدول أو محدودين في قذف) أو أعمين أو ابني الزوجين أو ابني أحدهما، لأن كل منهم أهل للولاية ليكون أهلاً للشهادة
[اللباب في شرح الكتاب ج٣ ص٣ المكتبة العلمية، بيروت – لبنان]