ive been doing a lot of major sins. when i was younger 5 till about 15 i was doing sexual sins with other boys. at about 18 i started my salah regularly. at about 20 years old i went 4 month in the path of allah and came back with a strong conection with allah and became somewhat isolated due to wanting to refrain from haram, however i began doing major sins soon after including sodomy and zina ive fantisised about my own mother and seriously contemplated suicide due to severe depression. ive spoken to no 1 about this. ive been wanting to get maried from my 4 months however unsuccessfull due 2 financial hardships even though my parents are well off. i have hatred towards my parents for not taking deen more seriously as these problems could have been avoided. how can i live with myself, am i sick how do i forgive myself and when i find a suitable wife do i have to tell her about these dark secrets, what should i do??
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Brother in Islam,
We are sorry to hear of your predicament. At the outset, any sin committed by a person should not make one despondent of the mercy of Allah. In fact Allah Ta’ala mentions:
قُلْ يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلَى أَنْفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِنْ رَحْمَةِ اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ
Say (to my servants Oh Rasulullah), do not be despondent of the mercy of Allah over that which you have transgressed. Verily, Allah is the forgiver of all sins. He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. (39-53)
If a person was involved in a sin and repents sincerely to Allah Ta’ala, Allah Ta’ala will readily accept a person’s repentance. Also, if Allah Ta’ala has concealed ones sins, one should not expose ones sins to others as Allah Ta’ala has concealed it.
Moreover, it is the nature of human beings to commit sins. In fact Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:
وَالَّذِي نَفْسِي بِيَدِهِ لَوْ لَمْ تُذْنِبُوا لَذَهَبَ اللهُ بِكُمْ، وَلَجَاءَ بِقَوْمٍ يُذْنِبُونَ، فَيَسْتَغْفِرُونَ اللهَ فَيَغْفِرُ لَهُمْ
By that being (Allah) in who’s hand my life lies in, If you do not commit sins then Allah will destroy you and will create a nation who sin, who then asks of Allahs forgiveness and Allah will forgive them ( Sahih Muslim, Vol. 4, Pg. 2106)
Naturally, every person is a sinner. It is only that some people’s sins are known to others whilst other people’s sins are not known to others.
As such, if every person had to consider his/her sins in order to get married, there would be no one married in this world today. More so, at the time of marriage, spouses consider the future and not the past. They work together in improving each another rather than ridiculing each another or their past lives. In this way, a strong bond and relationship is created between spouses. This protects the marriage of spouses from any negative influence or mischief.
Therefore, do not be despondent in finding a suitable partner in marriage. Do not be reluctant in making a decision of marriage because of the past. Ignore the past and focus on the future of life and what it has to offer. Adopt a positive approach and embrace the challenges of life. We make dua Allah grant you a suitable and compatible spouse. Ameen.
You had also mentioned that when you spent 4 months in Jamaat this helped you stay away from sinning and strengthened your Imaan. That is a clear indication that you are being effected by the environment in which you are spending your time. Therefore, attach yourself to the daily Jamaat effort and spend time in Jamaat regularly, attend lectures of the Ulama, keep the company of the pious and stay away from any avenue that would lead you to sin in the future.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.