I am after some guidance concerning my marriage. I have been married two years and there’s a few things I am really unhappy about with my husband. Although me and my husband are from the same community and born and bred in the UK he has to much of pakistani culture in him. On the contrary he is very islamic prays 5 times goes in jamats and comes from a good islamic family.
My husband today mentioned to me that his family are my family which I don’t disagree with however when I said to him likewise my family is your family he said no they are my inlaws. I want to know from an Islamic perspective if it’s true that the wife no longer belongs as such to her own family after marriage and the husbands family is hers but the same doesn’t apply to the husband? I have never heard of this in islam and assume this is a cultural thing? Also my husband doesn’t keep marital relations with me I have spoken to him nicely argued with him even asked for divorce as from his part he doesn’t show any intimacy only basic hugs and kisses now n then which just aren’t enough. He knows he has this problem but is doing nothing to resolve it and it’s leaving me bitter and frustrated in my marriage and towards him.
I have been wanting a baby from a few months after I got married and I am unable to conceive as he won’t make an effort unless I initiate first and also doesn’t want a child till he’s financially stable he states which I think is really unfair on me and my maternal instincts. I have tried talking to him broken down infront of him argued with him but he just acknowledges and nothing changes.
I don’t want to fall into haram out with my marriage I have told him this and he just listens he is not prepared to give me a divorce either and says things will get better. Please give me some guidance as am fed up of his way if thinking and doing things. Jazak Allah A.Ahmed
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Preserving one’s chastity is one of the noble objectives of nikāh. Since the need to preserve one’s chastity is common to both husband and wife, the right to intimacy also belongs to both husband and wife.
As a result, it is necessary for your husband to fulfill your needs to prevent you from falling into harām. Failure to do so without an acceptable reason would make him in a sinner in the sight of Allah. [i]
Your husband has acknowledged that a problem exists. As a first step, give him the benefit of doubt and try to find out if there is an external factor such as stress, anxiety or another issue that is causing him to act like this. Perhaps it is something simple that can be resolved but he is reluctant to speak about it due to the sensitivity of the topic. If you can gently coax him into sharing the problem you might be able to help him seek a solution Insha-Allah. However, if you cannot make any progress in finding out the underlying cause of his behavior then you should approach an experienced, local scholar for marital counseling.
The wife of Abdullah ibn Amr (may Allah be pleased with him) when asked by her father-in-law about her husband mentioned that her husband was an excellent man but was not fulfilling her rights. When this was reported to Rasulullah (salallahu alayhi wa sallam), the husband, Abdullah ibn Amr (may Allah be pleased with him) was summoned and told that his wife had a right over him. [ii]
Similarly, in the time of Umar (may Allah be pleased with him), a woman approached him and said that her husband fasts by day and prays by night and she did not like to complain about him. Ka’b (may Allah have mercy on him) was sitting there at the time and understood the woman’s intention. He said that this woman’s husband is not fulfilling her marital rights.
Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) then appointed him to judge between the husband and the wife. Ka’b (may Allah have mercy on him) summoned the husband and told him that his wife had a complaint. When the husband mentioned his worship and being enthralled by the verses of the Quran, he was told that it was no excuse and he had to fulfill his wife’s rights. [iii]
As is evident from the above-mentioned incidents, if your attempts at getting him to share the reason for his behavior are unsuccessful, the best way to resolve this will be to pursue marital counseling.
In addition, make duā (supplication) for yourself and your husband that Allah put love and harmony in your relationship and barakah (blessings) in your finances.
You have also mentioned that your husband does not want to have children at this time. Rizq (sustenance) is from Allah and your husband should not be duly worried as long as he is making an effort and putting his tawakkul (reliance) in Allah. While azl (reversible contraception) is allowed for a number of genuine reasons, waiting until one is financially stable is not one of them. Further, your husband needs to take your permission before practicing contraception. [iv] [v]
As for his statement that his family is your family while your family is his in-laws, this is incorrect. You are related to your husband’s family by marriage and he is related to your family by marriage. Insha-Allah through marital counseling these minor misunderstandings should also be resolved.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Sohail ibn Arif,
Student Darul Iftaa
Chicago, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
فهل هو واجب للزوجة، وفي البدائع: وللزوجة أن تطالب زوجها بالوطء لأن حله لها حقها كما أن حلها له [i]
حقه وإذا طالبته يجب على الزوج ويجبر عليه في الحكم مرة واحدة، والزيادة على ذلك تجب فيما بينه وبين الله تعالى ولا تجب عليه في الحكم عند بعض أصحابنا وعند بعضهم تجب عليه في الحكم اهـ
ولم يبين حد الزيادة على المرة ولا يمكن أن يقال كلما طلبت لأنه موقوف على شهوته لها، وفي فتح القدير ويجب عليه وطؤها أحيانا،
البحر الرائق، ٣/ ٢٣٥
حدثنا موسى حدثنا أبو عوانة عن مغيرة عن مجاهد عن عبد الله بن عمر وقال: أنكحني أبي امرأة ذات حسب [ii]
فكان يتعاهد كنته فيسألها عن بعلها، فتقول: نعم الرجل من رجل، لم يطأ لنا فراشا ولم يفدش لنا كنفا مذ أتيناه، فلما طال ذالك عليه ذكر للنبي صلى الله عليه وسلم، فقال: القيني به، فليقيته بعد، فقال: كيف تصوم؟ قال: كل يوم. قال: وكيف تختم؟ قال: كل ليلة، قال صم في كل شهر ثلاثة، واقرإ القرآن في كل شهر. قال: قلت: أطيق أكثر من ذلك. قال: صم ثلاثة أيام في الجمعة. قال: قلت: أطيق أكثر من ذالك. قال: أفطر يومين وصم يوما، قال: قلت أطيق أكثر من ذالكقال: صم أفضل الصوم صوم داود: صيام يوم وإفطار يوم، واقرأ في كل سبع ليال مرة، فليتني قبلت رخصة رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم، وذاك أني كبرت وضعفت، فكان يقرأ على بعض أهله السبع من القرآن بالنهار والذي يقرؤه يعرضه من النهار ليكون أخف عليه بالليل، وإذا أراد أن يتقوى أفطر أياما وأحصي، وصام مثلهن كراهية أن يترك شيئا، فارق النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم عليه.
قال أبو عبد الله: وقال بعضهم: في ثلاث وفي خمس، وأكثرهم على سبع
صحيح البخاري، الرقم: ٥٠٥٢
ذكره مولانا خالد سيف الله رحماني حفظه الله ملخصاً في جديد فقهي مسائل ٢/ ٤٠٦ – ٤٠٧ وتمامه في [iii]
الأخبار الموفقيات للزبير بن بكار ١/ ٢٥٢ الرقم ٤٣٢ : عن إبراهيم بن المنذر، عن محمد بن معن، قال: أتت امرأة
إلى عمر بن الخطاب رضي الله عنه، فقالت: يا أمير المؤمنين إن زوجي يصوم النهار، ويقوم الليل، وأنا أكره أن أشكوه إليك وهو يقوم بطاعة الله عز وجل
فقال لها: جزاك الله خيرا من مثنية على زوجها
فجعلت تكرر عليه القول وهو يكرر عليها الجواب، وكان كعب بن سور الأزدي حاضرا، فقال: اقض يا أمير المؤمنين بينها وبين زوجها
قال: وهل فيما ذكرت قضاء ؟ ! فقال: إنها تشكو مباعدة زوجها عن فراشه وتطلب حقها في ذلك
فقال له عمر: أما إن فهمت ذلك فاقض بينهما
فقال كعب: علي بزوجها
فأحضر، فقال: إن امرأتك هذه تشكوك
فقال: هل قصرت في شيء من نفقتها؟ قال: لا
فقالت المرأة: يا أيها القاضي الحكيم رشده … ألهى خليلي عن فراشي مسجده
نهاره وليله ما يرقده … فلست في حكم النساء أحمده
زهده في مضجعي تعبده … فاقض القضا يا كعب لا تردده
قال: فقال زوجها
زهدني في فرشها وفي الحجل … أني امرؤ أذهلني ما قد نزل
في سورة النمل وفي السبع الطول … وفي كتاب الله تخويف جلل
فقال كعب
إن لها حقا عليك يا رجل … تصيبها في أربع لمن عقل
قضية من ربنا عز وجل … فأعطها ذاك ودع عنك العلل
إن خير القاضي من عدل … وقضى بالحق جهرا وفصل
ثم قال: إن الله تعالى قد أباح لك من النساء أربعا فلك ثلاثة أيام ولياليها تعبد فيها ربك ولها يوم وليلة
فقال له عمر: والله ما أدري من أي أمريك أعجب؟ أمن فهمك أمرهما أم من حكمك بينهما؟ اذهب فقد وليتك قضاء البصرة
والإذن في العزل عن الحرة لها ولا يباح بغيره لأنه حقها، وفي الخانية: ذكر في الكتاب أنه لا يباح بغير إذنها [iv]
وقالوا في زماننا يباح لسوء الزمان قال في فتح القدير بعده فليعتبر مثله من الأعذار مسقطا لإذنها وأفاد وضع المسألة أن العزل جائز بالإذن وهذا هو الصحيح عند عامة العلماء لما في البخاري عن جابر: كنا نعزل والقرآن ينزل
البحر الرائق، ٣/ ٢١٤
ويكره للزوج أن يعزل عن امرأته الحرة بغير رضاها؛ لأن الوطء عن إنزال سبب لحصول الولد، ولها في الولد [v]
حق، وبالعزل يفوت الولد، فكأنه سببا لفوات حقها
بدائع الصنائع، ٢/ ٣٣٤