I am a revert to islam. I am married and have 3 children. I need someone to advise me as I have no one that can help me. I am having problems with my husband. First of all he does not pray and he smokes cannabis. He rarely comes home. He has his own business but finished early and he doesn’t come. Sometimes two or three days we will not see him and he just comes for a shower and goes like everything is ok.
I talked to him about this and he says wen he smokes hashish he falls asleep. And he says a man dies not have to go home everyday. It’s not a crime. He works just 5 mins away from our home and does not even call me to ask how we are. He sees our children on Sunday for at least an hour. And he goes. He always goes visiting his friends and wen we ask him fir time he says he’s busy.
He drinks alcohol occasionally and goes clubbing sometimes. Last year we went to visit his family in his country in Ramadan. He said he can’t come because he has to work. Wen I got back I found out that he went to Spain for ten days and I saw several pictures of women in the back growing wearing bikinis at a house party. He said there is nothing wrong with that and he will do it again. Some of his friends are young muslim boys ages 17-19 have girl friends and he told me they have girl friends.
I overheard him telling them that they must not go see him unless they bring women with them and one guy messed it up with his girlfriend and he needs a new one. People have told me they seen ladies in his car. He’s always going out to places with these so called friends and fails to show up.
If his friends need him he is always there for them no matter what. I asked him to buy me meat and he did but he realised that he left it in his car for four days and brought it in and said it should b ok, but it was smelling rotten. It happened on many occasions. Once he told me he was asleep at work and I went to see if he was there and he wasn’t. He later confessed that he was out clubbing and got into a fight and could not come home because he was too drunk. I pray everyday for Allah to help me and give me sabr.
It’s been going on for 8 years now and I’m very ill from stress. I am very lonely and my heart pains everyday. I cannot talk to him because he gets angry fast because of the cannabis he smokes heavily. And if I talk the more he will not show up and he says I’m problem women and threatens to take a second wife. I just want him to spend time with us and b a dad. He will smoke at least 20 a day at work. He is 37 years old. He spends all his time on face book and saves pictures of non muslim women on his phone wearing revealing clothes, He always puts me down and calls me names. I feel so low. Alhumdulilah he provides for us but never helps me with anything.
I’m basically living a single life with my children. I just wish I can have a friend and someone to share my life with. Please can u advise me. I don’t know what to do.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Sister in Islam,
We are deeply disturbed by the account of your turbulent marriage and by your husband’s carless attitude and immoral conduct. It is indeed a great misfortune that you are facing such tragic circumstances in your marriage. We are sorry to hear that your husband is not showing the true colors of Islam as he should to a person who is new to Islam.
May Allah Ta’ala reward you immensely for trying to save the marriage and for enduring great sabr (patience) throughout these eight painful and challenging years. Aameen.
We understand the stress and grief you may be experiencing. The fact that you have to deal with the careless attitude and immoral conduct of your husband could be a test from Allah Ta’ala.
You are a mirror for your husband. Speak to your husband with love and concern, compose yourself and confront your husband.AQQ Be bold and express your sentiments. Tell him you wish to help him come out of his sinful act. Tell him your concern is more about him violating Shariah rather than violating your rights and you are there to assist him to reform. Win his confidence and let him confide in you. You know your husband best and you would know when and how best he could be approached to solicit a responsible response. You stated that your husband provides for you and the children, this is a sign that your husband does hold some sympathy and care in his heart for you and the children.
He requires your help in making him understand the commitment a married couple must adhere to and in distancing him from the addictive disease of abuse of drugs. Drug abuse is a sinful act and you will be greatly rewarded in helping him to live a life free of drugs. Due to your husband constantly being under the influence of drugs and exposure to immoral acts of sins, he is making bold and shameless statements of denying the prohibition of the sins which he is involved in. Encourage your husband with virtues of maintaining a lifestyle of openness and pure living, and explain to him that the value and quality of your marital bliss demands that he should not consume drugs as this is creating insecurity and mistrust in the marriage.
There are various methods you can adopt to solve your husband’s issues:
• Speak to your husband and open your heart to him.
• Alternatively, express your sentiments to an elderly reputable person who may enjoy some influence over him and thus explain to him kindly.
• Contact a local reliable scholar or the Imam who he could confide in to overcome his difficulty.
• Create an environment which propels everyone to live a life of Allah consciousness. Conduct daily recitation of books such as Fadha`il-e-A`mal of Shaikh Muhammad Zakariya Khandelwi (Rahmatullah ‘Alayh) and of other pious predecessors within the home. You may also switch on speeches of our great Ulema which may help your husband in redirecting his course of life to the pleasure of Allah.
• Encourage your husband to join educational programmes, attend the masjid and spend time with scholars and religious members of the community.
• Express your love to your husband and extend gifts.
• Make supplication to remove restlessness and grief. Anas ibn Malik (Radhiyallahu ‘Anhu) narrates that whenever Prophet Muhammad (Sallallahu ‘Alayhi Wa Sallam) was overcome with any restlessness or sorrow he would read the supplication:
يا حيّ يا قيّوم، برحمتك أستغيث
Transliteration: ‘Yaa Hayy, Yaa Qayyoom, birahmatika astagheeth’[1].
Translation: O Ever-Living One, O Everlasting One, by Your mercy I seek help.
Most importantly, be positive and optimistic. Allah Ta’ala has granted you the most beautiful asset, the beautiful gift of Imaan. Adopt all possible means to address the issue and also resort to Salatul Hajat and Dua. Allah Ta’ala is capable of doing everything. Nothing is hopeless in the power of Allah Ta’ala. He can change the temperament of your husband and make him the father you always wanted your children to have.
We make Dua that Allah grants you the courage and ability to deal with your predicament efficiently. Ameen.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Fahad Abdul Wahab
Student Darul Iftaa
USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
[1] [Sunan at-Tirmidhi, 2: 192, Qadimi Kutub Khana]