My family is currently going thru an ordeal and in involves Hurmat-e-Musaharah.To give you a little background of the incidence my mother passed away quite young and my younger sister was a teenager at the time.My father who is in his mid 70’s now and was in good health at the time more then a decade ago declined to get married again when approached by me the adult married children.He since then has lived in his house and my brother and his family.Through all these years and when my mother was alive,we had quite a few females as help and they grew up in our hosue hold and got married off.In fact a couple still work for us and after my mother passed away continued to work with out any issues.
My father has been having memory issues for last 3-4 yrs and has been forgetful,having difficulty with short term memory and also forgets his way at times when he drives and looses his way.He is currently undercare of a physician and is on medications for Alzeheimer’s/Dementia.This indcedent happened between my sister-in-law and my father and they have been living in the same house for more then a decade since my mother passed.As I was told he came down for breakfast (his living space is upstairs)and after breakfast sat next to my sister-in-law put his hand on her shoulder,kissed the side of her cheeck and said “little desert after breaskfast”.My sister -in-law shocked and confused got up and went to her room and called my brother immediately who was at work.My father also confused not sure what exactly happened did not follow her or anything,asked her for some routine stuff as to what she wanted from Bazzar and left.He later talked to my brother apologized to my sister-in-law and was aware of this masala and took my brother to a local Mufti.My father said he felt it was like a curtain in front of his eyes and he was seeing something(my mother) and not my sister-in-law.He aslo said in is written question to Mufti and showed it to me that there was no shawat and did not feel his heart beat fast.The local Mufti sahab said that it did not apply and gave fatwa in this regard with advise to be careful.
Another incident that happened with another female family friend a relative of my younger sister’s huband(from her in-laws) while leaving there house after dinner my father shook her hand very warmly and later felt sorry after he realized what he had done and apologized,as he knows this is against islamic teachings and he is a religious God fearing honest man.Again he told me that he saw someone there who was not and thought it was his much older sister-in-law who is like mother to him.
Mufti Sahab I am a daughter and a sister and feel awful as I see how embaressed my father is after this incident and how troubled my brother and is wife are.I am also a physician and I know that in dementia/Alzhemeier’s there can be hallucinations which can effect ones judgement or like a dream feel like it is real and happening.My brother and sister in law are not satisfied and have conveyed to me that they still have doubt,my brother said that we should try and get him married because this happened due to his hidden/unmet sexual desires.
My father is a old man who has been dealing with DM as well on multiple medicatons and is not physically able.Due to this and multiple other issues my brother is disrespectful and verbally abusive towards my father.He left home ones but hen requested to come back and my father,because he is a father took him back in.My father has also lost his patiance many times with him.
1/Plz help us advise us if you cannot give another fatwa as my father said that once Fatwa is given you cannot have another one like a second opinion.Since my brother/his wife is still showing doubt and are making him into this monster which he is not,locking the doors and keeping his children specially his young daughter away by not allowing them to go upstairs to grandfather.
2/My father is also very concerned about all this and me and my other siblings have asked him multiple times to come and stay with us but he is a proud and independent man and wants to keep it that way.The other thing that worries him now if someting similar happens with any one his other daughter-in-laws or daughters he is quite scared of that and rightfully so if this is someting that he cannot control or predict.If as a daughter I take care of him and soemthing of this nature happenes would it effect my nikkah with my husband?
3/Due to this he wants to sell the house and go live byhimself with a male servant/driver in his home town so that none of us have to deal with this?Mufti Sahib would it be right to leave our father and let him do what he wants to do at this time when he needs us the most?
4/Also my brother does not want him to sell the house as I offered to him as this way they will be away from him and would not have to lock doors when my brother is out for work and worry about the kids but he is afriad and worried about what duniya is going to say and this will disrespect him as he is not taking care of his father being the eldest male and living in the house with him.
5/How can I convince my father to live with one of us since he is in a such awful situation ,his arugment being I cannot be dar ba dar this is my house and I will stay here until I am incapacitated/or die.
6/As you may know Mufti Sahib with dementia pepole can forget to eat,drink,wear clothes when it gets worse and I am just worried that with this back drop things will only get worse.
7/Is mental illness as above a consideration in this particular situation?
Plz advise us as a man of knowledge and wisdom how we can help both my brother and my father’s situation/ordeal.
He has been a wonderful father to us and provided us with everything.It breaks my heart as a daughter to see him go through this at the end of his life where when he had the oppurtunity and was able to do anything he wanted and had access to but was righteous enough not to do even when his wife was sick for a long time before passing away and he is being made into someting that he is not.
JAK a concerned daughter and sister.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
We are sorry to hear about your father’s condition. May Allah Ta’ālā grant him shifaa. Ameen.
Before we answer your query in regards to the hurmat al-musaharah, it is important to understand Islam’s stance regarding parents who have reached old age.
First and foremost, growing old and becoming weak and helpless is a natural process apparent to all those who go through the cycle of life. Allah Ta’ālā says in the Holy Quran:
اللَّهُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُمْ مِنْ ضَعْفٍ ثُمَّ جَعَلَ مِنْ بَعْدِ ضَعْفٍ قُوَّةً ثُمَّ جَعَلَ مِنْ بَعْدِ قُوَّةٍ ضَعْفًا وَشَيْبَةً يَخْلُقُ مَا يَشَاءُ وَهُوَ الْعَلِيمُ الْقَدِيرُ
Allah is the One who created you in a state of weakness, then He created strength after weakness, then created weakness and old age after strength. He creates what He wills, and He is the All-Knowing, the All-Powerful.[1]
Like any other human being, our parents will also reach an age where they become weak and feeble and become dependent on others to fulfill their needs. It is a time when they need us most; a time when the children’s true love and obedience becomes visible in the eyes of the parents. It is a time when children are given the ability to pay back their parents for the hardships they faced and the sacrifices they gave in raising us. Even though such an effort can never repay them in full, we are duty bound to do so as Allah Ta’ālā says in the Holy Quran:
وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا، وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا
And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and do good to parents. If either of them or both reach old age, do not say to them ‘uff (a word of anger or contempt) and do not scold them. And address them with respectful words, and submit yourself before them in humility out of compassion and say, “My Lord, be merciful to them as they have brought me up in my childhood.”[2]
Since your father is suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, it is even more important for you and your siblings to show affection to your father and let him know that his children are here to aid him in his time of need. As such, you must try your best to overlook your father’s actions and tend to his needs. In doing so, you must sit down with your family members and come together to discuss such an important matter. When dealing with such sensitive matters, it is always important to take each step slowly and discuss all angles of the problem in order to avoid causing any dissention within the family. Be considerate of your brother’s feelings while also respecting your father’s status as the head of the family. Furthermore, encourage one another to make du’ā to Allah Ta’ālā and make istikharah before taking the next step. Through patience and mutual understanding, Allah Ta’ālā will guide you to do what is best for your family. Insha-Allah.
In regards to the hurmat al-musaharah, we concur with the ruling of the Mufti that Hurmat al-Musaharah did not take place.
We make du’ā to Allah Ta’ālā that he showers your family with mercy and grants you peace and comfort in all matters.
We also advise your father to recite the following du’ā after each prayer:
اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنَ الجُبْنِ، وَأَعُوذُ بِكَ أَنْ أُرَدَّ إِلَى أَرْذَلِ العُمُرِ، وَأَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ فِتْنَةِ الدُّنْيَا، وَأَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ عَذَابِ القَبْرِ
Translation: O Allah! I seek refuge with You from cowardice, and seek refuge with You from being brought back to a bad stage of old life and seek refuge with You from the afflictions of the world, and seek refuge with You from the punishments in the grave.
Transliteration: Allahumma Innee A-oodhubika Minal Jubni wa A-oodhubika an Uradda Ilaa Ardhalil Umur, Wa A-oodhubika Min Fitnatid Dunyaa Wa A-oodhubika Min Adhaabil Qabr
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Bilal Mohammad
Student Darul Iftaa
New Jersey, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.