Assalamuliakum,
I was advised by a dear friend to use this website to Insha Allah help me with my problem. I feel there is a need to explain in detail the situation I m currently faced with in order for one to help me.
I have Masha Allah been married for nearly three years now and have no issues over my marriage. I was born in the UK nd my husband is from Delhi in India. The thing is that after my marriage which took place in India, there were certain issues that arised between both our families, which caused a lot of tension.
My husand came to reside in the UK over two years ago, where we lived with my parents. Because of the issues that took place during our wedding, my parents frustration was taken out onto my husband. He went through a lot, he was treated with no respect and criticised frequently over anything he would say or do.
On numerous occasions whilst I would be at work my parents would torture my husband by arging and insulting my husbands widow mother and his family members. When my mother got very angry sh even physically hit my husband,this took place when I was in hospital after I gace birth to our baby daughter, things were just getting from bad to worse.
When my husband and I once had enough we decided to leave my parents house, but my mother did not allow this and threatened to tell my husband about my past relationship that my parents found out about. This put me in a very awkward situation. But my husband and I spoke about this issue and he forgave me and said he would not leave me. But we were still stuck in our parents house. We lived a very dull life, we were criticised if we wanted to go out anywhere, my husband just stayed in our room and didn’t come out because if he came out there would be some argument.
In Jan 06 my husbands only sister was to be wedded, we were already prepared that we would not be able to go, but my parents realised that if my husband did not attend the wedding, family in India would ask questions why, as money was not an issue, so they allowed us both to go but without our baby daughter who was only one month old at th time. They did not allow our daughter to go in fear that we would not return.
We went to India attended th wedding everything was ok, until the day before we were leaving for UK. As usual I went to phone my parents to ask about our daughter, and this time my husband also spoke to them, prior to leaving for India my mother asked my husband to tell his mother and brother to give his share of his business and property that he had in Delhi otherwise not to return. My mum asked if he did so, my husband said no, and they started arguing, my husband had enough of the insults that he was a bad charactered person. And he lashed out and said that their daughter(me) was no angel and reincountered the whole situation again., which was then heard by a number of family members. Things were getting horrible. My husband decided that we were not going back to the UK to listen to all that stress again, my world had shattered I lived in Delhi for three months without my baby daughter, I cried and prayed all day especially at nights. I just wanted to be reunited with my daughter.
My parents made numerous phone calls across the whole family saying how we were ungreatful that they allowed us to come for the wedding and now we had abandoned our daughter, as we know this was not the case we had no choice but to leave our daughter. I got phone cals from my mother who was very frustrated and said she would send my baby to a foster care home if we didn’t come. I could hear my baby cry on th other side of the phone.
When I heard this we were advised by a family member to go to the british high commission and tell them our situation, we did so they said they will see what they can do. They sent the police to check on the baby and they said she was doing fine. And the commissioner said we should just go back to the UK and contact social services govt department for help. I eventually convinced my husband, we decided to go back to the UK without telling anyone apart from my in laws. We came and contacted social services who did not help. Even the police came and said I should go to my parents house without any protection, I was very scared because I knew what my mother can become like when sh is angry she can do anything. But I went I saw my baby girl after so long. We had a huge argument that got us nowhere. Eventually I came back to where my husband and I were staying without our baby.
The next day my parents phoned and started saying how we should move back with them because their respect is being damaged in society and they wont give our baby until we do. This panicked my husband and he wanted to go back to India, he had gone into a state of depression, we had to go back. I felt I was back at square one. But I kept faith in Allah.
I convinced my husband to go back to the UK but with certain conditions outlined by my husband and his family. For example that we would not live together, no one interfered with our financial or personal issues and that my husband could go to India when he pleased to meet his mother and family. This was agreed by my grandparents who found us a flat near their house in which we have been living in for over one and half year. My husband got his old job back at a fast food takeaway the very next day we arrived and he is still the only one who is working whilst I look after our baby and complete my studies. I go to my parents house on the days my husband works.
But I am still faced with a number of problem, my parents are not well because of all the stress. They still keep telling me to convince my husband and I to move back with them and that they have changed, but my husband is in no means ready to compromise on this issue. They hurt his ego very badly and he can not forget all the things that happened to him, when he reminds me I do feel ashamed of all that happened.
Whenever I go to my parents they will constantly tell me to do something, pretend to leave my husband and move back with them so come come back on track, this is something I can not do, my husband treats me very well and looks after me and my daughter very well. If I don’t listen to my parents they get very angry and start abusing me that I am a cruel mother, a shamefull daughter and not worthy of them. They can really say some nasty things but I just sit quiet and listen, because if I reply things will go worse.
I try to explain to my husband but he gets frustrated and says that he will not compromise and if I want him to meet my parents then he wil leave for India without me.
I have tried to involve elders but they make no difference, when my parents find out if I discuss anything with anyone they get angry with me that why am I seeking help. I am the only child I don’t have any brothers or sisters, I just don’t know what I should do, who should I help????????? Who should I listen to? I am so confused. I am always getting bad dreams and am stressed about going to my parents house because I don’t know what the topic will be. I just don’t know what to do.
Please can you advise me, I really need help.
S Rizvi.
UK.
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalaamu `alaykum waRahmatullahi Wabarakatoh
Jazakillah for writing to the institute regarding the problems you have been having with your parents.
I have read the contents of your mail and I make dua that Allah Ta’ala guides all of you towards love, peace and understanding.
You are now married, a mother and a daughter. You have responsibilities in all three areas. However, you have to realise that since your parents have made some very unwise and unreasonable demands on you and your husband, it has become necessary for you to prioritise your responsibilities. Your parents will always be your parents. They will always deserve respect, honour and comfort from you. However, since you and your husband have gone through lots of trauma recently and the fact that it is possible your marriage will break up, allow me to suggest that you take some time out with visiting your parents.
There is a risk that your husband will reach breaking point and this will be detrimental to you and your child. If it is possible, send them meals and gifts via relatives, call them by phone everyday and let them know that you still care for them. It may be a good idea not to force your husband to visit them nor have any contact with them for a while. If your parents need help and if it is possible for you, pay someone to help them on your behalf. Let them know, kindly and with honesty that all of you need to spend some time apart till tempers cool down. Try and enlist the help of an elder person at some stage who will help you to talk to them and work out certain guidelines which will spell out what you expect from them about their attitude towards you and your husband when you do go and visit.
This may sound harsh but it is necessary if all of you are to start respecting and treating each other like human beings. Please forgive me, I do not wish to sound patronising. The experiences you write of in your email must have caused you a great deal of grief and embarrassment. It was not acceptable that your parents should have gone to such great lengths to try to break up your marriage. It is sometimes a bitter ‘pill’ which may heal the disease, so you have to take kind but firm measures to deal with the situation.
It would appear that your parents are not handling your marriage well. They have to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer single and that you have responsibilities towards your husband. It is not acceptable that they try to draw you away from him. I understand that they are still young and that they are both employed, am I correct? Do not allow them to come between you and your husband. You have to draw a line between your responsibilities to your husband and your responsibilities to your parents. I am also concerned that perhaps they are the ones who have major problems in their marriage and with the advent of your marriage, they are now having to face each other on their own after a long time. Am I correct?
Do not humiliate nor bring your parents down in anyway. Let them know gently and kindly that you need time before you can visit them again. You may be subjected to ’emotional’ scenes or sicknesses of various sorts to draw you in, but you will need to be firm for a while. Suggest to them that they should go for counselling if you think it is important for them to do so. Please write again if you wish. Please do sit with your husband and read the Quran in English every day so that you both can understand and practice on it for the benefit of yourselves, your children, your parents and for your community too. It is very important for you to support your husband and try to serve him in many ways so that he can learn to trust, cherish and honour you. Your past may come up and haunt him since you have unfortunately told him about it. My suggestion is that you give him lots of reason to completely forgive you and to forget that past. It is up to you to work out ways and means to increase the ties that bind you and strengthen his love for you so that he comes to firmly believe that you will never be like that again. May Allah Ta’ala guide all of you and reunite you with your parents on more equitable terms, ameen.
And Allah knows best
Wassalam
Sister Fadila
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In’aamiyyah