I try to obey Allah but I’m always wondering why will Allah punish me when I am already punished in this world. I mean I have five sisters who are very pretty and I am nothing comparing to them. Even my younger sister turned out like them very white and pretty. I am tan skinned, excessive hair loss (patches of bold), Asthma and allergies which can’t stand hot or cold temperatures; my hands don’t look normal but embarrass me all the time, very bad eye sight.
If I keep listing I won’t finish. I also have a disorder where I don’t feel comfortable in front of men. I mean like in school I feel like the people around me are staring at me I try to control myself until suddenly I figure out no one is sitting in the same area as I am. I feel disrespected, distressed, unfair, and if death approaches I feel like I have nothing to lose. My friends, I feel like they are my friends to get my help in school. My parents immigrated to America and are working hard to save and satisfy all their kids not with love but comfort.
if I can recall I have never received a hug from either mom or dad . You know that Arabic type of parents. You eat and sleep that means everything is good. Can you imagine no one realized that I was blind until I went to get my driving permit and had my eyes checked while I was in high school? All my uncles are wealthy and look down on us I mean they don’t involve us in any of their special events. Both sides of my grandparents exist but to me they are dead. Can you imagine your grandma coming from another country with presents for all your cousins except for me and my sisters?
If I think about this world or at least my life do you think the most merciful Allah will give another torture for an innocent soul!!! If there is only a duaa to help me gain back my beautiful long hair. As I have been hiding in the corner and I hate it.
When I see my friends getting married I don’t have confidence to be a bride one day even though marriage will complete my religion I can’t accept any torture when all men marry for beauty. What will your advice for me be as I will truly appreciate it. Thank you sooooo much,
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salamu’alaykum wa-rahmatullahi wa –barakatuh.
Respected sister in Islam,
It is indeed difficult for a young person like you to be facing so many challenges as it would appear that these challenges started very early in life. May Allah ease your difficulties. Ameen.
Hereunder we will try to list your issues as well as the solutions to those issues.
- Although you try very hard to obey Allah Ta’ala, you feel that you are being punished in this world already. This leaves you feeling rather confused as you wonder if Allah Ta’ala will punish you further as you are trying your best to be a good Muslimah.
Allah Ta’ala’s love for us is far greater than His desire to punish or deprive us of His love. He loves us so much that if he has ‘deprived” us of some physical or material comfort or asset in this world, as long as we have patience and turn to Him for comfort, He will reward us a million fold in the hereafter. Life in this world is so short compared to the everlasting life in the hereafter.
Imagine, in the hereafter you will go on enjoying whatever you desire because you remained true to Allah Ta’ala’s commandments and you did not turn away from Him. In turn you will wish that you had never doubted Allah Ta’ala’s love for you. Remember, Allah will never let you down nor look down on you as you are His very special Creation. Whatever difficulties you are experiencing here is not a punishment. Allah Ta’ala is preparing you for the treasures of the hereafter. Our Creator does not put us through tests out of dislike for us. Only the very special human beings go through many tests and Allah Ta’ala’s love for them is also very special and great.
- You suffer from various allergies and medical conditions which are physically conspicuous and these lead you to feel physically and emotionally challenged. Your excessive hair loss is a source of grief to you as you would like to have long beautiful hair again. Added to that, your poor eyes sight is also an added difficulty.
This is a difficulty which can be very trying and painful especially when you wish to be independent and don’t wish to be dependent on others or ask anybody else for help.
It is mentioned in a Hadeeth:
إِنَّ اللهَ لَا يَنْظُرُ إِلَى صُوَرِكُمْ وَأَمْوَالِكُمْ، وَلَكِنْ يَنْظُرُ إِلَى قُلُوبِكُمْ وَأَعْمَالِكُمْ
Verily, Allah does not look at your physical features nor your wealth, but Allah looks at your hearts and actions (Muslim, Vol. 4, Pg. 1987)
It would be very beneficial that you obtain books on the lives of Prophets, Ayyoob, Yusuf and Ya’coob Alahis Salaam. Read about how their lives were filled with many hardships, losses, illnesses and difficulties. Inshallah you will gain some inspiration from their life stories and how they never lost hope in Allah Ta’ala’s assistance and love for them.
You should also explore with your medical doctor the possibility of having the eye and hair problems remedied with conventional treatment. Do not stress if your hair does not come back to its normal state. Sometimes, excessive anxiety can also cause hair loss and make your asthma and eczema worse. It is hoped that you have been checked out for the iron levels in your blood as low iron levels also add to the problem of hair loss.
It should always be born in mind that when we are admitted into Jannah then every desire of ours will be granted without having to even think twice about it. Our wishes will be granted instantly.
- You also wonder if any man would find you attractive enough to marry you since you consider that you have very little hair or beauty to please a man.
Many women whom we may consider beautiful, attractive also go through these feelings of, “will my husband find me pretty enough”? You see, in many ways society is such that too much emphasis is placed on physical beauty and not the inner beauty. What is important is the “Noor” that shines with the light of a good, honest and sincere heart.
If Allah Ta’ala has destined a pious, kind and respectable husband who will appreciate you for who you are, then that man will find you. If Allah Ta’ala has destined you to be a “Hoor” of Jannah by not granting you a husband in this world, then be pleased that you will have the greatest gift a woman can ever have. You will have such high stages in the hereafter that even all the “Hoor” of Jannah will be envious of.
At the moment concentrate on protecting your modesty by observing hijaab from non-mahram men and keep yourself busy in the service of Allah Ta’ala in whatever way you can. Be it by assisting people who struggle like you or maybe helping people who have more challenging disabilities and medical conditions. It will also be good to give some amount of charity everyday and try as far as possible to increase your recitation of the Quran, try to learn the meaning of the Quran so that you can understand better what Allah Ta’ala requires of you as a Muslimah. Make abundant zikr and try performing tahajjud salaah every night whilst the family is sleeping. This is the best time for you to appeal to Allah Ta’ala to grant you lots of tranquility, peace, comfort, guidance and what your heart desires. Remember that even if all your duas are not granted here in this world, Allah Ta’ala will have great rewards waiting for us in the hereafter as long as we go on been His obedient and pious servant.
- You also have five sisters whom you consider to be much more physically beautiful than you.
If you look closely, you will find that even your sisters are different from each other and that their beauty is different from one another. You have your own inner beauty and your outer beauty comes from your inner beauty. It is just that you have not recognized it as yet. Some of our Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam’s most beloved Sahaaba were dark skinned. It is not your color or your physical beauty that makes you lovable or attractive. Dear sister, physical beauty is not everlasting. Like the rose and the carnation, it wilts after time. Your inner beauty lasts forever, even after you are gone from this world for people will remember what good you did rather than remember what you looked like.
- You feel disrespected and distressed as you feel life is rather unfair to you and this leads you to believe that death would be better than to go on facing all these challenges which are overwhelming you.
It is understandable that you feel this way as people can be careless and cruel at times without really meaning to hurt your feelings. Some just do make comments that are hurtful and painful without realizing that they are not taking your feelings and condition into account.
Do not let their negative words and attitude get to you. After all, you cannot change what they say and do to you but you can choose to ignore them. If they had more sense and were more in tune, they would not be so careless. Forgive them and ask Allah Ta’ala to compensate you with something better. You will find that if you overlook the nasty looks and words thrown at you, you will help yourself to move forward. You can either allow other people’s words to hurt you by paying attention to them, or you can get on with your life by concentrating on what is most important to you to help you to grow as a Muslimah.
You should also make a habit of reciting the following du’a:
اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنَ الهَمِّ وَالحَزَنِ، وَالعَجْزِ وَالكَسَلِ، وَالجُبْنِ وَالبُخْلِ، وَضَلَعِ الدَّيْنِ، وَغَلَبَةِ الرِّجَالِ
Transliteration: Allahumma innee a’oodhubika minal hamma wal hazani wal ‘ajzi wal kasali wal jubni wal bukhli wa dala’id dayni wa ghalabatir rijaal.
Translation: O Allah! I seek refuge with You from worry and grief, from incapacity and laziness, from cowardice and miserliness, from being heavily in debt and from being overpowered by (other) men. [Sahih al-Bukhari, 6369, The Book of Du’as]
- You feel uncomfortable in the presence of men and you feel that people are staring at you even though sometimes you realize that there is no one around you.
Most women are shy and feel uncomfortable in front of strange men. This is how Allah Ta’ala wants women to feel as He has endowed them with a greater sense of modesty. It is a sign of piety and thus, you should be thankful to Allah for this bounty.
So many women let their modesty disappear when they try to impress men out of vanity and lust. Men do not really respect or treasure women who make a show of themselves. Shaitaan wants you to believe that it’s because you are not acceptable or nice, but remember, your shyness and your feeling of discomfort is loved by Allah Ta’ala.
- You feel that you have been deprived of real love and affection from your parents as they appear to have put more emphasis on giving you the material comforts when you would really love to have them hold, hug and tell you that they really love you for who you are.
Sister, it can be difficult to cope when you feel that you are alone and that nobody understands what you are really going through. Do you think you could perhaps give your parents a small gift and when you give it to them, tell them that you love them very much? Perhaps after that you could try to reach out to your mother and father. Offer to massage their arms or feet which will give you the opportunity to get close to them. Instead of waiting for them to show you affection, they will discover how much you love them and that you can be lovable too. If they don’t respond warmly initially, don’t let it bother you. In time they will realize that you have been missing out on their love. Sometimes parents are so keen to give their children everything materially that they don’t realize that it is the affection and attention that the children would really love to have.
- Your extended family, such as your uncles and grandparents appear to discriminate against your siblings and yourself as they leave your folk out of the family gatherings and do not acknowledge all of you. This has led you to feel that it is better to think that your grandparents do not exist as it is too painful to see them ignore your siblings and yourself.
Your extended family probably knows why they are behaving in this way. Have your parents tried to invite them to your home for a tea or just to get together? Allah Ta’ala loves it when you try to establish family ties and bring the family closer. It can be a little difficult initially but it is important to keep in mind that one should concentrate on what you and your family can do to make the extended family feel welcome and comfortable rather than thinking about what the relatives are not doing for you and your family. Inshallah this will soften their hearts and spoil shaitaan’s plans against all of you. Take time and try not to rush and feel offended if they don’t reciprocate immediately. Your intention to establish family ties is more important than shaitaan’s plans to keep all of you apart.
Remember that Allah Ta’ala has assured us that after every difficulty there comes ease. May Allah Ta’ālā lighten your burden and make you from amongst his close friends. Ameen.
We apologize for the belated response due to technical issues.
And Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
Sister Fadila
Durban South Africa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
www.daruliftaa.net