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Should I perform Isthikharah once again? Whom should I marry? Or should I continue looking for job as of now and avoid marriage for sometime?

Answered as per Hanafi Fiqh by Askimam.org

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. 

 

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

 

Dear Mufti Sahab,

 

I am in great dilemma of my life. Only your advice can rescue my life out of spoiling other person life. I’m keeping my entire life in front of you like an open book which may assist you to know about me and help me in guiding and advising me for my problem. This is quite big and I would like to apologize if its time consuming.

 

I am born in a Middle class Sunni Muslim family from South India.  I have 2 brothers and I’m the eldest daughter. My walid is a businessman which makes him to stay out of home travelling all the time. He is very conservative, though staying in one home we use to stay like strangers under one roof, hardly speak to eachother. He never encouraged me studying like he use to do it for my brothers and also he never bothered about my likes and what are my interests for my studies and my future plans. But my Walidah is very supportive to all.

 

This kind of lifestyle at home I didn’t like it. My thoughts, my likes, my dislikes are very different from others at my home. I feel it’s either girl or a boy they must be educative in both Islam and worldly education and must be independent. I never copied anyone in fact it came to me automatically. This way I use to find friends and love outside home. This is where I fell in love for a non-Muslim guy via Internet Chat. Our long distance relationship via phone went for nearly 3-4 long years when I was graduating and I hardly met him twice. But when it came for marriage I asked him to convert and he completely refused it. So, I had to take a call for breakup. Meanwhile, even my cousin sister was dating a non-Muslim, for which I advised her to move forward only if he shows interest in our Islam seriously. My whole family including my parents they all accepted him whole heartedly. By Allah’s grace he got converted into Islam and they are married and are blessed with a baby.

Meanwhile, when I was going through the pain of break up I met my childhood classmate after 10 long years (let’s name him as “A”) who helped me for my admission in Post Graduation. This was the time where in I was struggling to convince my Walid for my studies wherein he wanted me to get married and get settled as I was getting good marriage proposals. As I had recent breakup and wasn’t able to forget my past I thought I must focus on my career and have love marriage according to my choice.

 

“A”, who was trying to help me to bring out of my past fell in love with me. When he approached me I told him ‘NO’. For which he took it to heart and started blackmailing me saying that if you say NO I will suicide. I must have told this to my parents earlier itself. I got scared thinking that they may ask me to discontinue my studies and marry asap according to their choice groom, for which I was not ready. Getting scared of “A” I said yes to him. Meanwhile, I got to know about him as he was over caring and very protective at the earlier stage I use to like it and enjoyed all this attention. Slowly, I thought this is my life and started liking him and was very sure that he will not leave me in half unlike others and for sure he will marry me. Meanwhile, many a times knowingly or unknowingly we use to stay or behave like a couple and committed sins by having physical relationship. This made our relationship strong. More than our present we use to plan for our future a lot. As he was my senior he left college a year before and struggled with job. Even after being a double graduate and recession he got very low level job and later I got to know that he had taken loan for his studies which costed nearly Rs. 4-5 lacs.

 

After a year it was time for me to complete my studies, meanwhile I introduced “A” to my walidah and told everything about his financial conditions and future plans. My walidah had no problem with his financial condition as he promised my walidah that he will always keep me happy and however I wanted. I in order to run from my walid’s choice of groom for my marriage and to make “A” settle in his life and give him some time, I asked my walid to give me permission to work for some time. As there are no job opportunities in my city I asked my walid to permit me to go out of station. He agreed on one condition that if its outstation then I must stay at my relative’s home as it will be a new city for me. I happily agreed, as this was my dream to be independent and I was very close to achieving what I wanted.

 

As soon as I got into job I declared about “A” to my walid. To my surprise he happily agreed without a single question about “A” and from the day one only he started preparing about our marriage without any concern and any investigation about him or his family or his financial background. I told my walid about his financial condition but assured him from my side that I will be happy with him. When our family took this decision of engagement “A” family got problem saying that they are a big joint family and they will not talk about our marriage until one of “A’s” cousin sister don’t get married. Our parents were disappointed and adjusted thinking about my happiness. They took 6-7 months for her marriage. After her marriage it was turn of our engagement. Later, we learnt that all “A’s” life decisions are taken by his 5 mama’s who helped him to grow up as his parents were living away from him in a small village. We also learnt that they were not sunni but they were “dairewala” who follow “Mehdi A.S”.

 

“A” as he promised that everything will be according to my wish and we will execute our marriage as we planned all went in vain when his 5 mama’s took over the in-charge of his marriage only decision wise and not by financial help. This made me and my family disappointed. Anyhow our engagement took place more than what their family expected lavishly. From our family they didn’t inform anything about my marriage and kept me in dark thinking that I may get hurt and my family took all the responsibilities of fulfilling “A” family’s demand. Asa we got engaged problem started in our relationship of 2.5 years. Meanwhile, “A” started to listen to only his family and not me. Listening to his grandmother, “A” asked me to leave my job and sit at home.

 

Meanwhile, in office one more problem had occurred my way. One of my colleague (let’s name him “B”) started loving me even after knowing that I am engaged and he was non-Muslim. To get rid of him and to get married soon and start my career again after our marriage to help “A” to repay back his loan at the earliest, I decided that I will discontinue my job and spent some time with my family before I get married. This took me 2 months to leave my job and go back to my home. This 2 months changed everything.

 

“A”’s family started creating problem and started demanding too much from my parents both financially and ritually. Meanwhile, my parents shifted me to a hostel near to my office. I took this decision as “A” stayed near my relative’s home in the same city and I didn’t want any bad names to my parents and also not to commit any sins I shifted to a hostel.  Unfortunately, my hostel was near to “B’s” branch office. I started convincing “A” saying that nothing is executed according to what we had planned up for our marriage. As “A’s” family was the dominant now, being daughter’s father my walid accepted to each and everything what they demanded for, unhappily, thinking that after marriage “A” will keep me happy.

 

As soon as we got engaged my parents started to feel that I must not marry “A” first reason being his loan and financial condition. Second “A” being ‘dairewala’. My parents felt pressure from my ‘Mama’ saying that “A” must get converted and make papers and he must stand up on stage on the day of Nikah and announce to the audience that “I am converted to sunni”. This was one thing which I didn’t supported as I know “A” and he followed Islam the same way we do and there were no changes on ‘Ibadat’ for which he need to convert.

 

This was the time I faced pressure from my parents, they tried convincing me to break off this marriage and they may find me a rich and suitable guy. But I was not in a state to break off as this was Love marriage and reasons being not valid. Meanwhile, all this turned into misunderstandings between me and “A”. His family demands, my family pressure all this affected our relationship and we started making distance. There were no co-ordination between us and we started fighting a lot. This was the time I started realizing that “A” is changing.

 

Meanwhile, I started getting affectionate to “B” as his thoughts were exactly the same as mine and not like “A” who was becoming very conservative and over protective towards me. He use to visit my office to check on me and call 24/7 and keep track of me all the time leaving his work. When I ask him not to do so, he explained me saying that he was caring about me and being protective in a metro city, which I didn’t like. This was the time when I started getting to know more about “B” and his liking for me. Slowly I started liking “B” and this was when I committed sin with him again because of being attracted to him. We use to go out for dinner every day. I liked his company.

 

When I realized what I was doing is wrong I repented to Allah for all my sins. But still this didn’t help me stop meeting “B” secretly and talking over phone to him all the time without letting “A” know about it. This was when I started ignoring “A” and my marriage with “A” and felt ashamed that I started betraying him who trusted me so much. Meanwhile, even my family was not showing interest in marriage preparations looking that “A” and I fight and stopped talking to each other. I had asked “A” to make passport and fly off out of India which will help him to repay back his loan and settle our lives for which he always told yes yes and never made an effort to do so. His salary would not suffice us a living for which he demanded me also to work after our marriage and also forced me to say yes to keep his younger brother with us in our home.

 

All this demands and fights were making me crazy where as I and “B” started enjoying life at the fullest by talking to each other and convincing the situation where in “A” should be doing this with me and not “B”. We were nearing to our marriage and it was hardly 2 months left for marriage and no preparations were started at our home except for jewellery and cloths. “A’s” family kept a demand that marriage will be according to their community that “Miah” will come and conduct the Nikah. We tried convincing them saying that sunnah is to have Nikah at the masjid. For which they again demanded that we shall have Nikah in separate wedding hall and as soon as Nikah finishes in our hall they will take bride with them to their hall. For which I and my parents didn’t agree as our relatives come from faraway places and this will lead to disrespect of my father in our family.

 

I and “A” had already decided that we will have small reception. When I spoke this to “A” he simply asked me to stay out of all this. This hurt me more and I kept quite. Again “A’s” family demanded “Nikah cum Valima” to be together and expenses to be shared for which we agreed and told them our estimation and they demanded to call 600 guests from their end and agreed to pay only Rs.50,000/- for the entire dawat. This was a complete injustice and this showed clearly that how cunning their family is and how they demand cloths, gifts, furniture, they themselves decided that after marriage 6 months I must stay with “A’s” family in our hometown away from “A” and all from my walid. This made me to think that I am doing a big mistake as I’m not doing justice to my parents for being so selfish in love. I started to imagine what it would have been if it was “B” in “A’s” place. All the time I use to get favoring answer and result which will keep my parents and me happy. Later I realized that may be this is what is called marriage sacrificing everything and compromising and I decided that if I be in touch with “B” my marriage with “A” will never work out. But my parents felt that I’m unhappy and they called “A” home to talk and solve our problems.

 

I demanded “A” only to postpone our marriage as this will help me to forget “B” and accept “A” whole heartedly. But I wouldn’t tell “A” reason behind so I told him this will help you to change job and settle life easier. This made him angry and not able to tolerate that I always compared him with others and keep on telling that I didn’t love him, it was just a force. I wanted him to know the truth but didn’t dare to. I didn’t want to cheat my fiancé and have him cheat full life so I asked him to break this marriage and convinced him to marry a girl from his own community. This made him mad and he started blackmailing me saying that if I leave him he shall go tell everyone that we had physical relationship and spoil my life if I marry anyone else other than him. Even after trying to convince him more, I failed and he turned out acting like a ‘psycho’ and he attempted what he was not suppose to do. He tried killing himself in front of me with the help of a dupatta and tying around his neck seeing this I lost my mind and out of fear and his craziness I slapped him.

 

I went back to my parents and told about the incident which took place in my room. My parents got scared thinking what if he was actually a psycho and what is the guarantee that he will not try doing this in future to make others agree on what he want. This I took as a chance to get rid of him and his family and to give chance to “B” and know him better and meanwhile concentrate on my career. After breakup my parents took over my cell phone and it was already decided that they will not force me for marriage and will allow me to work for at least 6 months. Meanwhile I thought it may work out with “B” in these 6 months that whether is he really interested in me or not.

 

This all changed when “A” started troubling my family and started approaching them not to break our marriage and he wants to marry me. My parents made me to talk to him via phone and tell what I want to. I told him that I am not interested in you anymore and stop irritating my parents. He then mailed me to my id asking me to return back to him and pleaded so much but blamed me only for my fault. Meanwhile I got in touch with “B” over internet and came close to him but know nothing about his background. In emotion I only asked him will he leave everything for me and get converted in Islam. Without giving a single thought about his future or his parents he said yes to me. All he said was whatever you were in your past I don’t care what I care is I want to marry you.

 

Because of “A’s” trouble my family started thinking that “A” will take revenge from me and spoil my life and will do and show whatever he said during breakup and it’s better to keep me locked up in home. I cannot tolerate this as I was not a girl who is at home with no work and spoiled everything with my own hands. Meanwhile, “A” mailed me saying that he was not torturing my family in fact he genuinely wanted me back in his life and accepted his mistake for all his misunderstandings. This was the time I went through your website and followed so many procedures. Immediately I stopped contacting both of them or replying back.

 

I followed the procedure of “Isthikhara” while in Dua I asked Allah subhana wa ta’ala that grant me pious man among “A” and “B” who is better for me in the light of Islam to whom I can marry and lead a peaceful life. I did isthikharah from 26th November to 2nd December 4 among 7 days I dreamt about “A”. But was attracted to “B”. Started missing “B” and his talks and started missing his presence.

 

Mufti sahab to be very frank I am becoming mad everyday as both “A” and “B” love me madly and truly both wants to marry me. And my parents out of fear of “A” arranging for my marriage asap. Mufti sahab I cannot afford to spoil life of so many people and stay with this guilt lifelong. As I wanted not to hurt both of them I mailed them saying may be Allah didn’t wanted us to become one that’s why our marriage broke I said this to “A” and I said “B” that we getting married is not possible. I am not clear myself whom do I love or with whom will I be happy or should I listen to my parents and agree to marry their choice or maybe I performed Istikharah wrong. I am not sure. I infact tried telling my parents about Istikharah, as my walid have less knowledge about all this, my walidah said this is not possible as Istikharah is performed by Auliah’s. My parents are very cooperative I wanted them to know this dark side of my life but fear that it may affect their health. Even though my parents are not too old just in late 40’s they are and struggling with their elder child’s marriage and relieving themselves with this big responsibility of settling my life with a good guy who will keep me happy and fulfill all my needs, I am the one who have stopped them by giving this happiness.

 

Mufti sahib “A” and “B”‘s memories are haunting me so badly and I am like on this entire earth cannot share my secrets and living with this guilt of betraying my fiancé and my parents freedom. I think that I must marry only either of them or should not marry at all. Trust me Mufti sahab this 2 months after break up have brought so many changes in my life. Initially I use to hate my parents for keeping me locked up and not giving me freedom I never use to talk to anyone never stepped out of home nearly for a month. But after going through your website it has brought me more closely to Allah. I am very much thankful to you who inspired me in so many ways that I Pray every day regularly, I repent to Allah for all the sins that I have committed in my life, I am reading Holy Quran every day, I pray salat-ut-tawbah everyday, left all bad habits and all bad addictions and taken life very positively.

 

But still things making me feel guilty that should I forgive “A” and convince my parents and forgetting “B” should I marry “A” or should I see the sincere love of “B” and teach him and invite him into Islam even after knowing that he is not all that good looking handsome guy, he is very dark don’t have a proper education, struggle to speak English, sometimes lie to me, always smokes and sometime consumes alcohol, his family resides in village. Know nothing about his background all I know is his future plans and I may get cheated also anytime don’t know his hidden intentions either.

 

Mufti Sahab it’s about life and there is 3 persons life “A”, “B” and me and also my parents because of my stupidity they are having problems in facing their relatives and friends giving explanation on my marriage break up. I am not able to forget nearly 3 long years spent with “A” and can’t digest his pain of me being everything in his life and spoilt everything and not getting convinced even after so many times he tried to. Later told me to be happy wherever you will be till I die I will be waiting for you to come back to me and I will not marry anyone except you. Neither able to forget “B” as he says I’m ready to get converted for you not even thinking about my parents and all the love and care he showed me in couple of months and his constant approach towards me to convince me to get married to him and even he promises not to marry anyone and wait for me lifelong. To my surprise all these days after break up it’s been nearly 2 months now and I still miss both of them. I have started feeling pain of both “A” and “B” and this guilt is eating me every moment I think about them. I want them both to have a very good and happy life even if I am not there in their lives. They both wait for me online when will I come online and they get a chance to convince me. Also can’t see my parents being unhappy and scared that if they give me more time I will get back to “A” or get some other guy or if my age crosses I may not get any guy of my age to marry. It’s hurting me.

 

Mufti sahab you might find me wrong and betrayed also. I have spent 25 years of my life doing all bad things and hurt others both knowingly and unknowingly. Didn’t understand the value of life or what is being born as Muslim so far. Don’t know when I will get call from Allah. Thinking about this I’m scared. How much ever I live here after I want to live to make Allah happy and to repent for all my sins and want to lead sinless life keeping my parents happy and proud as I always use to keep them. But I cannot marry a person whom I don’t know and it would be unfair for him if he get to know about my truth or dark side of my life. I am very sorry to make you read such a big story of mine as you are very busy person, but your help and guidance will change my life, will reduce my pain, will bring back happiness in my home mostly my parents will be blessed. Please help me replying as to what should I do next?

 

Should I perform Isthikharah once again?

If yes, then what should I say in the place of “hadhal – amr”?

Or whom should I marry?

or should I continue looking for job as of now and avoid marriage for sometime?

 

Jazakallah! for taking time from your busy schedule to read my issue and replying back.

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

It is pleasing to note that you follow the askimam.org website and you are changing your life. We make Dua to Allah to grant you Taqwa and peace. Ameen.

Sister, I read your lengthy email. You are caught up in an unfortunate situation. Your relationship with ‘A’ seems to be a recourse due to the breakup of the previous relationship with the Hindu boy. The same goes with the relationship with ‘B’. Problems with ‘A’ lead you to ‘B’, hence, your relationship with both were not independently considered. They struck as a secondary option to cushion you from the problems of the previous relationship. Your relationship with both ‘A’ and ‘B’ grew and your heart is wrongly consumed by both. You cannot go ahead in making a decision with such confusion. ‘B’ does not seem to be a good option as he has some entrenched habits in him and he is not a Muslim. Old habits do not die easily. ‘A’ may be an option, but you need time to wean of your heart and think carefully. Never rush into a marriage. You cut off from the one before ‘A’, you could also cut off from both now. Adopt Taqwa and turn to Allah for guidance.

Enter into a marriage with a sound mind and with dignity. If you are in doubt, hold on and spend time to reflect and make a sound decision. Adopt Taqwa and stay away from having any Haram relationship with any person. The consequences of Taqwa is sweet and wholesome.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best


Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

 

This answer was collected from Askimam.org, which is operated under the supervision of Mufti Ebrahim Desai from South Africa.

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