I am a young Muslim girl. My father passed away when I was very young and I have been raised by my mom and several other family members. I believe that I am a very obedient daughter. I always follow orders and take on responsibilities around the house so that other members of the family will feel less burdened. I am a full time student and also work part time. Despite of my own personal life, I am always shopping for groceries, cleaning the house, babysitting my niece and nephew, dropping my mom off to work and picking her up, taking my nieces and nephews to the doctor, picking up my brother and young cousin from school, taking people shopping, among many other tasks.
The only mistake that I have ever made was that I fell in love. My mom and brother are open to whomever I was to choose but when I revealed to them the boy I love they did not accept. Since I am educated and have a higher social status, they are ashamed of my choice and are afraid of what others may say or think. When I mean others, I am talking of other family members and people in society. The boy I love works at a gas station as a clerk but makes decent amount of money. My uncle works at a convenience store and is able to support his family as well so I don’t see why they think this boy that I love will be unable to support me.
Their second concern is that my sister is also married to the boy’s brother and they do not want both of us sisters getting married to the same household. Basically, the main concern of my mom and brother is that the boy is not very educated, does not have a good job, is from the same family as my sister’s husband, and they are ashamed to say this to other family members. They are now pressuring me to get married somewhere else but I know that my heart will always love this boy because I have tried to forget him many times in the past but could not. We connected very well 10 years back during my sister’s wedding and again we reconnected 10 years later.
It is also hard for me to get married to someone I do not love because when I was younger I was molested several times by many men so it is hard for me to trust someone. If I marry someone that I do not love and they try to have sex with me, I will feel as if I am getting raped. My mom and brother are aware of all this because I told them but they are saying it is just an excuse. I do not want to run away and get married behind their back but I tried to convince them in many ways but they still do not want to understand. It has been over 1 year that I have been fighting this battle.
I continue to obey and please them but they still will not give me what I want. In my 22 years of life, I have never asked for anything. I always tried to please and help everyone especially my mom. I always took care of her in every possible way but still she feels that neither I nor my sisters have ever done anything for her. All she listens to is my brother. I fear that they are trying to have someone perform Black Magic on me in order to change my mind set. I know I should not believe in this but it is hard. I am getting confused as to what to do. Please help.
This boy is also Muslim and studied to become a teacher in Islam but did not finish. He is very pure and open hearted. He treats me very well. I know this is love because when I was young I spoke to many guys trying to find myself a suitable husband but deep in my heart I always thought of this boy. I pray to Allah all the time asking him for forgiveness and to please accept my dua but I have not seen any acceptance. After a year my life is still the same. Is my falling in love wrong? Should I get married to someone of their choice despite what has happened to me as a child?
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ῾alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
The work and support you are giving to your family is laudable. Every good deed performed with the correct intention shall be rewarded. We make dua that Allāh Ta῾āla accepts your effort and rewards you with the best of both worlds. Ameen.
At the outset, you should understand that every form of promiscuous interaction with the opposite gender out of marriage is prohibited (Harām). You should refrain from interacting with the boy in the future.
Reverting to your query, this is a very wide spread problem that affects the Muslim community on a large scale. Parents should be considerate to the feelings of their sons and daughters when it comes to choosing a potential spouse.
They should obtain permission and seek the contentment of their offspring before making arrangements.
For further insight to the subject follow the link : http://askimam.org/fatwa/fatwa.php?askid=0a9db143c06e3bb08863e5303847198d
Shar῾iah has advised to marry if there is inclination and compatibility. Hence, Shar῾iah has allowed seeing the face of the potential spouse. Inclination leads to love and harmony, which is the foundation to a successful marriage. If there is no inclination, how will there be love in the marriage? How will the marriage prosper? Such an attitude can be very injurious and detrimental to the marriage.
An adult woman is given the option to marry or to abstain altogether. Your parents cannot force you to marry. Thus, you are at liberty to exercise your option.
As for your parents wanting someone who has wealth, respect in the society, this is certainly not the criteria which Shar῾iah has structured to determine the suitability of a potential spouse.
Rasulullah Sallallāhu Alayhi Wasallam has encouraged and gave glad tidings to such a person who gives preference to Deen in choosing a spouse.
Nonetheless, keeping the dignity and respect of your mother is also equally important, you should be very diplomatic in your approach and in the way you conduct yourself.
If your family does not understand your point of view, seek the assistance of some influential people and make them explain to your family.
And Allah Ta῾āla Knows Best
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