Assamulalaikum I am resubmittig my question as I’m not sure if it had come through last time. I am a young Muslim woman 24 years of age and I’m going through alot of difficulty, I feel as if I am in constant battle with myself with being a good person. I was in a relationship with someone whom I wanted to marry I have known him for many Years now. He has now said no to me and I am struggling with this because I feel as if I have wasted years of my life behind someone who has left me and now he doesn’t even want to talk to me, his reasons for going were right, but I cant handle it. Since he has left me he’s now becoming a better person, talks about how he wants to do things right, but that’s made me feel so bad because I waited for him. My own habits without me realizing have gone bad I hardly pray namaaz Quran and when i want to I have to force myself. I even approached my parents to get me married because I have desires to start a family have a partner but I can’t forget him. I thought marriage would be the solution to all this. At The same time I don’t feel as if I am good enough for anyone. I feel ashamed in front of my parents at times because I feel as if they dont deserve a daughter like me who has made mistakes for so long time behind there backs at the same time I can’t get him out of my head and still can’t come to terms with him leaving me. What should I do? I’m so confused and scared I’l lose my Mind if I keep thinking about him. My relationship was not a completely physical one it was more emotional he went through many difficulties in his life and I stuck by him and now at a point in my life when i wanted to marry him he left me. I even begged him to change his number so it could be one thing he could do to help me forget him because it is the only way I can contact him we do not have any friends in common, but he won’t even do that. Before I met him alhamdulillah I was the person he is becoming now, praying wearing a scarf I was in a better way and now I don’t know what is going on with me. I want to become the person I used to be but I just don’t know how to anymore. Any help or advice is much appreciated Jazakallah khair
Please forgive me for the long delay in responding to your mail. Sister, please allow me to point out to you that this is a great test from Allah Ta’ala for you. Shaitaan had managed to ensnare you in his trap and you are very fortunate that you managed to get away from it. Although it appears to you at the moment that all is hopeless, do remember that Allah Ta’ala is always with you. What you think is wrong for you at the moment, may just be what Allah Ta’ala wants for you because it is good for you although you do not understand it at the moment. Sister, you are still very young so do not despair of Allah Ta’ala’s mercy and forgiveness.
Turn to Allah Ta’ala even though you feel at the moment it is pointless and difficult. You were involved with a man who at some stage decided that he couldn’t go on with being with you. According to you his reasons for going were right.
What would you have done if he had married you and then later walked out on you?
You have been spared greater grief than you can realise at the moment.There will be no happiness for you in being with a person who does not want to be with you. In marriage there has to be mutual give and take, love, respect and honor. If you are only willing to do all the giving and loving, you will end up in greater despair than what you are in now. Destroy every aspect of his memory from your mind. This includes his phone numbers, address and anything else you have in your possession.
According to your words, you were a practicing Muslimah previously but now in your despair you find yourself floundering. Your despair and grief is in shaitaan’s plans to keep you under his control. Turn to Allah Ta’ala, no matter how much you feel that you are not really paying attention to your salaah and Quran. Just get yourself onto that musallah and let shaitaan know that Allah Ta’ala is mightier than him!! Do not allow shaitaan to triumph over you by keeping you in grief and loss Since your parents do not know anything, leave the matter alone. Allah Ta’ala is your Creator and Cherisher. None can ever love you more than what Allah Ta’ala can love you. Therefore, make sincere tawbah, cry to and beg Allah Ta’ala to grant you peace and tranquility. Promise Allah Ta’ala that you will observe purdah from non-mahram men and that you will not repeat this mistake again of being with a non-mahram man. Make dua for your parents too and serve them to the best of your ability. Become involved in assisting people who are less fortunate than you.
Insha’Allah, this difficulty will help you to become more aware of all Allah Ta’ala’s Ne’mah on you.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
B.A. (Sociology & Psychology) Unisa.
Social Work (NDP) Unisa.
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Durban, South Africa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.