I have a question/scenario that i wanted to share with you, it might sound a little strange..but here it is..
I have always heard that Jannat is found under mom’s feet..And you should always listen and follow your mothers or parents directions, nomatter what it is. But, What do you do if you have a grandmother that does nothing but start arguments and fights among husband and wife and is always trying to separate the husband and wife? And she says things to hurt feelings, and says such things to start fights even with children, like she doesn’t spare any of the family members, but infront of other non-family members she acts so angelic, and complains oh my daughter in-law and her kids are so bad, and they did this to me and that to me etc etc..And not to mention she also does black magic..
Now, my question is, does this type of woman still qualify to be a mother/grandmother? Is it legible to break all relations from her? Will her son/daughter get gunnah if they don’t talk to her or listen to what she says(for ex: even all of the bad advice she gives to her son to do against his wife?)..And by all means, do we have to keep her in our house or can we refuse ? will we get gunnah if we refuse to keep her in our house, since she is our grandmother?
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalaamu `alaykum waRahmatullahi Wabarakatoh
There are three aspects to your query
- Respect to parents
- Respect to grandparents
- Grandparents interfering and destabilizing ones marriage
According to Shariah, one is obliged to obey, respect and revere his parents in any condition or situation. Shariah disallows one to display any kind of ill treatment towards his/her parents even though they may be oppressive or even non Muslims. Rasulullah (salallahu alayhi wasallam) said “Whoever wakes up (in the morning) in a state where his parents are happy with him, two doors of Jannah are open for him. Whoever retires to bed in a state where his parents are pleased with him, he passes the night while two doors of Jannah remain open for him. Whoever passes the day in a state were his parents are unhappy with him, he passes the day while two doors of Jahannam are open for him….It was asked (should we respect them) even though they oppress us? Nabi (salallahu alayhi wasallam) responded “even though they oppress, even though they oppress”.
جمع الجوامع أو الجامع الكبير للسيوطي – (ج 1 / ص 21902(
من أصبح والداه راضيين عنه أصبح وله بابان مفتوحان من الجنة ومن أمسى ووالداه راضيين عنه أمسى وله بابان مفتوحان إلى الجنة ومن أصبح ساخطين عليه أصبح له بابان مفتوحان من النار وإن كان واحدًا فواحد قيل وإن ظلماه قال وإن ظلماه وإن ظلماه (الدارقطنى فى الأفراد عن زيد بن أرقم . الديلمى عن ابن عباس(
أخرجه الديلمى (3/621 ، رقم 5942) . وأخرجه أيضًا : البيهقى فى شعب الإيمان (6/206 ، رقم 7916
It is therefore imperative that one does not compromise on showing respect and kindness towards ones parents. As part of respecting and revering ones own parents, is to show kindness and respect towards ones grandparents. The effect/result of respect or disrespect will have an impact to the reaction of ones parents. In reality, respecting ones grandparents will earn the pleasure of ones own parents and should be regarded as pleasing ones parents.
Every individual in a family system has its own role and function. The father has his role, the mother has her role each child has his/her role. If each individual plays his/her role and respects the role of the other, there will be no instability in the family.
You state that your grandmother tries to intimidate her grand daughter in law in front of others and furthermore tries to server the marriage relations with her grandson. You also state that the grandchildren are also suffering from her actions as she practices black magic.
It is clear that the actions of the grandmother have created instability in the family. It is imperative that the husband re assures his family the confidence and love that he ought to give. Since his wife has been a victim of abuse, he needs to show more love and kindness to her. You should talk to her and comfort her through these difficult times.
Apart from the above, it is important that the husband addresses the core issue being the grandmother. It does not mean that if he addresses the issue he is disrespectful. However, he should address the issue in an honourable and respectable manner. If the husband feels that his marital life is been jeopardized by her actions, he should consult with her children (uncles/aunts) if any, and relay the difficulties to them. He should inform them that his wife and children are suffering due to these occurrences. The children should then consult and devise a sound mechanism to avoid similar happenings in the future. If you do not have any other way out but to seek alternate accommodation for your grandmother, we suggest that you find such accommodation that is in the same vicinity or close by to you. This will enable you and your family to lead a normal healthy life without any fear of intimidation or otherwise as well as give you an opportunity to take care of your grandmother
And Allah knows best
Muhammed Zakariyya Desai,
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In’aamiyyah