I need advise and help on a personal matter. I have a problem that I keep falling for my nafs & as a result of this I have been masturbating for nearly 10 years, I know this is a major sin but I seem unable to control myself. I have married recently and before my marriage I had a dream that I would resort back to masturbation after marriage & this dream has come true which I regret a lot. I need advise on how to stop masturbation(my wife is not with me as she has not got a visa yet) Also during my marriage I had problems keeping an erection which I know is due to my sin of masturbation.This did cause problems initially with my wife so is there anyway I return to a normal life regarding this matter as I understand my wife has her rights over me which I am unable to maintain Also can u advise on the following? 1)I know I am being punished for my sins but for what reason would Allah allow my wife to marry a sinner as myself? 2)If Allah grants me with children will they be punished for my sins as I have heard the effects of masturbation is that children grow up weak? 3)Is it true that the wife can divorce the husband if he is unable to help the wife have a child as I have heard that the effects of masturbation is that u are unlikely to have children? 4)If I am unable to have children due to my sin should I tell my wife the reason why? 5)When repenting to Allah would he forgive me and allow me to have a normal life or would the effects of my masturbation remain with me?
Jazakallah for writing to the institute regarding your problem.
Brother, I think that you have realised that your habit has overtaken you. It is a habit you can unlearn and it is not impossible to stop. You realise that it is causing you a great deal of discomfort and grief. You are also experiencing guilt feelings. You do not have to give in to your dream of continuing to masturbate. You ask what you should do. EMPOWER YOURSELF. As you say, you are giving in to your nafs. Why go on allowing shaitaan to wreck your balance and stress you out like this?
If you have a habit of watching TV, reading books, magazines, newspapers with pictures of women, avoid them totally. Avoid any erotic stimuli which can arouse you and which you find will stimulate you. Make a point of not being alone with a non-mahram woman at work and at home. You now have to take Allah Ta’ala’s command to heart. Learn to lower your gaze and don’t intentionally look at a non-mahram women, not even a picture of one. When you have to talk to one, talk in business like tones, stick to the topic and move on. Avoid small talk and chatter which is non essential. You have to decide for yourself what you want out of your life with your wife. At the moment you are overcome with guilt, you have a fear of failure as far as being a potent husband is concerned and you are afraid that your habit may harm your offspring.
Brother, turn to Allah Ta’ala in sincere tawbah, cry out to Him, tell Him of what is destroying your belief in yourself as a man. Confess your weakness to Him, ask for His help and guidance and take the chance He gives you to change your life and start all over again. When you make sincere tawbah (repent), you cry and acknowledge your sin, you promise not to go back to it, you try your utmost not to commit it again. You also need to get yourself involved in activity which will help you to stay on the path which is favored by Allah Ta’ala. You need help to do this. Approach a learned elder in your community and tell the person that you need spiritual guidance. You do not have to reveal your problem but tell the person that you are weak, ask for the type of help you need to make you a more aware Muslim and one who can gain proximity to Allah Ta’ala. Please remember that Allah Ta’ala loves your repentance and that when you sincerely repent, He forgives you to the extent that you are like a new born child. Seeing that your wife cannot join you yet, fast as often as you can, make sure you perform 5 daily salaah, get up at night and perform tahajjud, salaah, start studying the Quran in English so that you can understand exactly what it is that Allah Ta’ala requires from you as a Mo’min. Make a point of making Zikr, istigfaar every morning and evening and lots of dua all day long. We are guided to keep our tongues moist with the remembrance of Allah Ta’ala’s name so that shaitaan is prevented from shooting those evil darts into our hearts which take our minds towards the unacceptable.
Allow me to also suggest that you should go for a few therapy sessions (with preferably a Muslim psychologist) before your wife joins you. I make this suggestion since you are concerned about your failure to gain an erection with her. You need to overcome your mental fear, for if you do not do so, you may go on fearing ‘failure’ so often that it can become a vicious cycle.Your problem is not insurmountable. You need to develop a new approach to your sexual fantasies and learn to fantasize about your wife only. Destroy shaitaan’s hold over you. The answer to all your questions is a simple one. Repent sincerely. Make all attempts to reform yourself and move towards earning Allah Ta’ala’s pleasure. Allah Ta’ala forgives all sins as long as you are sincere and you give up what displeases Him. None of us are sinless. We all sin in some way or the other, and to some extent and another. All of us have to turn to Allah Ta’ala for guidance and daily make attempts to give up what we know is wrong to earn closeness and the pleasure of our Creator. Insha’allah, by the time your wife joins you, you will have overcome this obstacle you face. And Allah Ta’ala knows best.
CHECKED & APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai