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THIS IS A REPLY TO CONSIDERING BECOMING SECOND WIFE ORIGINALLY SENT AT THE END OF JULY AND RESPONDED TO BY SISTER FADILA.

 Asalam u alaikum,

                 The suggestion has been mine. I am currently employed, so financially I would be able to contribute to the running of my own household. With regards to sharing everything equally, well that’s where there is a lot of vagueness.  Certainly, in my head, I can see us adopting a pattern which will allow him to spend time with me and her equally. I would anticipate us living in separate households for the first year at least, then when children arrive, to share a house so that the children on both sides are not deprived of their father.

However, when we spoke about this before he got married he said he would like to, but he was scared that his family would try to stop him from ever seeing me. So I don’t know. The matter is no longer up for discussion as he is trying to accustomise his life with her at the moment. My parents have always said I could marry anywhere where I was happy. However, my father does not actively search for rishtae (potential spouses). He feels it’s my mother’s responsibility but there is only so much my mother can do.  I have so many older sisters who are unmarried because of this and to be honest I think I will end up joining them. The thing also is I am used to this man. There are certain things I am used to. He’s a hafiz of the Qu’ran and was very attached to the masjid, he was serious in his outlook in life.  One of the other major issues I have with marrying anyone else is I do not want anyone else to touch me intimately as I have treated him as my husband for so long.

Five years from now I would like to be married to my ex and have children. To at least be friends with his other wife, if his family refuse to accept me. From what I can gather, he is scared that if he forces a marriage with me through, his family will reject me and he will jeopardise his family. However I also know that his new wife is not being treated very well at the moment by his family. I do not wish to cause them trouble, and perhaps it would be best for everyone if I just walked away and ‘moved on’, but the problem is that I cannot. Hence my predicament.  Is there any du’a/wazifa you can recommend me? Jazkallah for your time and service.

Allah hafiz.

Answer

Jazakallah for replying so candidly. I have read and re-read both your e-mails. Sister, allow me to make a suggestion to you. Approach this man directly and ask him to tell you very honestly if he will marry you.

Not next year or next month. He has to give you a commitment immediately. If he cannot do so, then I suggest that you get on with your life and forget about him. You saw through him as you mention that he was weak and gave in to his family’s demands. He married someone else even though he had been sleeping with you for so long.

Sister, does this not strike you as the height of insincererity? Could it be that you realized you were being betrayed but the pain and fear of losing him led you into denial? You perhaps wished that he would somehow at some stage do the decent thing and insist on marrying you.

An attachment to the masjid and especially the Quran, demands that one’s value system and day to day living reflect this love for Allah Ta’ala. There is no point in that he encouraged you to come closer to Allah Ta’ala but at the same time he took advantage of you, knowing full well that he would give in to his family’s demands. Please talk to him immediately. Feel free to write to me if you wish as I understand your painful situation. May Allah Ta’ala guide you, ameen.

and Allah Ta’ala Knows Best

Sister Fadila
SOCIAL DEPT.

CHECKED & APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai (Fatwa Dept.)

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