Is a husband allowed to raise his voice to his wife when angry and assume that its okay because it is the way he does things. Also what is are the steps to take with dealing with an argument,
Muhtaram / Muhtaramah ,
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalaamu `alaykum waRahmatullahi Wabarakatoh
Jazakallah for writing to the institute.
Since we are human, we are apt to get annoyed or upset now and then. However, we are not to give in to our nafs and blow our “tops”. It is ok to get angry, but it is not ok to vent that anger on other people, objects or even animals. Nor should we raise our voices in anger. We have the perfect example in Nabi (sallallaahu alayhi wassallam) who gave us guidelines in how to deal with our own anger. Anger is inspired by shaitaan, so one should firstly seek protection from shaitaan, the accursed one.
If one is standing, it is better to sit down. If one is sitting, then lie down. Further steps would be to make wudhu and resort to salaah if one’s anger continues to plague one. Anger most certainly is a plague because it can cause a great deal of harm and ruin many good people and their relationships. This gives great joy to shaitaan who may not be able to ruin some people through any other means.
This sort of person needs to unlearn this method of communicating but it can take time. It would perhaps be better to remain silent when your husband is angry, give him space and ask Allah Ta’ala’s assistance. It does not help if two people are both angry at the same time, Nobody listens as both are trying to get in their own word. It would be better to choose a quieter moment to perhaps let your husband know how you felt when he was shouting at you. It is very important for your relationship and marriage that the two of you learn to communicate effectively with each other. A marriage is about sharing the good and the bad times. If it happens that he has had a bad day at work, it would be a good idea to hold on to problems you may want to bring up as soon as he gets home. Likewise, if you are in need of pampering or space, he will be able to accommodate your needs. So talk to each other about your likes and dislikes, your pain, your needs, what makes you happy, your difficulties etc and share these as adults should. You are life partners so try to learn as much as you can about each other. Allah Ta’ala has granted you this partnership so that you can be a source of comfort, joy and love for each other. This is a lifetime’s partnership, so it is important to make a major investment in this partnership. Talk about what you need to avoid and how to reinforce in your relationship. It is only normal that you will have differences and problems sometimes. However, if you both work towards greater understanding and learn more about each other, you will learn to trust each other, come to learn about each others ‘trigger’ points, and accept each other as Allah Ta’ala has meant you to. Shouting at one’s partner is not a great way of communicating, it is an easy and weak way out of an issue or situation. Strengthening a relationship requires more hard work and commitment than that. This behaviour needs attention. Learning anger management ( and facing one’s own weaknesses) is also a good idea.
Please write again if you wish. May Allah Ta’ala guide both of you to develop closeness through greater understanding.. Ameen.
And Allah knows best
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In’aamiyyah