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Desperate wife

Answered as per Hanafi Fiqh by Askimam.org

Bismillah.  Oh Allah, please let me know what to do.  AsSalaamu Alaikum.  I’ve been married to my husband for 28+ years, give or take a few months for divorce and remarriage. We have 7 children, (5 are grown).  Early in the marriage there was a lot of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. Now it’s mostly emotional.  I’m not attractive, I don’t work, I’m simple minded, I stay in the house most of the time, I’m shunned by others, and I act childish (I attribute it to the abuse for such a long time, but I don’t know).  My husband on the other hand is the complete Opposite of me in every way. Women seem to admire him, 6 figure income, seems to be liked by so many, above average intellect, commands attention and respect, and our children love, admire, look up to, and try to immulate……..  Our children seem to be ashamed of me.  

I’ve left my husband and took the children with me on many, many, many occasions in the past, after being hit or something, 

and he’d always lure me back in, and I’d come back because we had so many children and I wasn’t working, and the children were more fund of him, 

When we first made shahadah, 25+ years ago, we both seemed very strong in the Deen. As years past, our faith seemed to dwindle.  I am grateful that Allah guided me back to the right path. I establish prayer, fast every Mon and Thurs, and read every morning just about Alhamdulillah…. My husband drinks almost every night;  I don’t see him make regular prayer, maybe Fajr once every other month. He does attend Jumuah pretty regular, unless work interferes. 

I’ve never received dowry, and we’ve been married twice or 3 times.  I’ve gotten khula several times.  We’ve even signed papers with an Imam during one of the khulas I was seeking, that stated “This is our 3rd divorce”.  I’ve read different rulings on khula’s so I’m not sure what’s right.  

Though my husband makes so much money, he doesn’t do anything for me, to the point that our oldest daughter started giving me money everytime she got paid.  I do drive one of “his” cars, and he puts gas in it, but other needs, I don’t get.  I buy my clothes with the money my daughter gives me.

My husband has made many promises to start giving me money, starting years ago. Most recently he said he’d start giving me money in October.  October came and went.  Unfulfilled promise again. It’s not the money I’m really wanting, but outs the principle.

I don’t know what points to mention, out of all the things that we’ve  been through over 28+ years without having to write too much for anyone to want to take the time to read….. Insha Allah I’ll get the answers I need.

Sometimes I think I’ve been patient enough, having been in an unhappy, abusive marriage for 28 years, and on the other hand, sometimes I think I’ve held out this long, maybe I should stick the rest of it out.  I also worry that with me having been in an abusive relationship for so long, I may only attract other guys that may be abusive toward me, So at least, even though I’m not treated right by my husband,  I’ll still have my children. If I’m mistreated by a new husband, I’ll be getting mistreated in addition to not having  my children.

In the past when I used to leave, my children and I would live with my parents, but now I don’t have anywhere to go where I’d be able to take my children, and though they’re crazy about their dad, he goes out of town a lot for work(?).  The children aren’t old enough to be home by themselves for a week.

At one point, my husband mentioned something about paying for an apartment for me and the children, so I could leave, then he changed his mind

I pray that Allah helps me in any way through this site. If not through this site, in some other way. Oh Allah, please forgive me if by me looking for assistance from this site, I’m not relying on You.  

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Sister in Islam,

We take note of your distress and desperation. May Allah Taalah grant you courage to overcome your challenges. Aameen.

You refer to yourself in a negative way, not attractive, shunned, childish etc. You should change your mindset and focus on your positive attributes.

Allah blessed with you with Imaan. That is the greatest bounty of Allah with guarantee of eternal solution. The few moments of misery in this world will soon end.

Allah blessed you with seven children. In reality you are a means of at least seven people with Imaan coming into this world. What about your coming generation? You will be rewarded for everyone’s Imaan. You are very close to Allah. Allah blessed you to perform Salaah, to fast often. You also have the perfect value of a believing woman by staying indoors. In this era of free travel, your conduct to remain in the confines of your home is a great bounty of Allah upon you.

Your children are young. They are observing your values. They will appreciate your values as they grow older and experience life. They will value you more than their father.

You have invested 28 years of your life with your husband. Whilst his attitude and conduct is unfortunately un-Islamic, your patience has kept the unity of the family. If you would have broken the marriage, that would have major negative consequences on your children.

Children raised in a sustained marriage are different from children in a broken marriage. Your patience has saved your children from such negative consequences. You are a true mother with great morals.

Sister, we live our lives for the comfort of others, you have achieved that.

You should consolidate your 28 years of marriage with further patience and await the fruits of your sacrifices in your children. Continue instilling Islamic values in them. When seeds are sewn into the ground, they will sprout one day. Your husband has Imaan. Show him love and care. He will appreciate you.

Your analysis of considering another marriage is correct. It is a gamble with a great loss to your family. You should not consider that angle at all.

We advise you to turn to Allah with making dua to Allah.

Allah says:

وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِي عَنِّي فَإِنِّي قَرِيبٌ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ الدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ فَلْيَسْتَجِيبُوا لِي وَلْيُؤْمِنُوا بِي لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْشُدُونَ  

And when my bondsmen ask you about me, verily I am close by (so call only on me).

I answer the prayer of the caller when he calls. So they should accept (my commandments and obey them) and always believe in me so that they remain on the right (with valid beliefs).

(Surah Al-Baqarah. Verse 186)

Allah the Almighty rewards you for everything you endure.

Consider the following Ahaadeeth:

قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: من يرد الله به خيراً يصب منه

Translation: Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said, “If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials.”

(Saheeh-Al-Bukhari, Vol 7, Pg 115)

عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ “‏ مَا يُصِيبُ الْمُسْلِمَ مِنْ نَصَبٍ وَلاَ وَصَبٍ وَلاَ هَمٍّ وَلاَ حُزْنٍ وَلاَ أَذًى وَلاَ غَمٍّ حَتَّى الشَّوْكَةِ يُشَاكُهَا، إِلاَّ كَفَّرَ اللَّهُ بِهَا مِنْ خَطَايَاهُ “‏

Translation: The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.”

(Saheeh-Al-Bukhari, Vol 7, Pg 114)

 

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ “‏ مَا يَزَالُ الْبَلاَءُ بِالْمُؤْمِنِ وَالْمُؤْمِنَةِ فِي نَفْسِهِ وَوَلَدِهِ وَمَالِهِ حَتَّى يَلْقَى اللَّهَ وَمَا عَلَيْهِ خَطِيئَةٌ ‏”

Translation: “Trials will not cease afflicting the believing man and the believing woman in their self, children, and wealth, until they meet Allah without having any sin.“

(Sunan-Tirmithi, Vol 4, Pg 180)

We also advise you to perform Salaatul Hajaah and seek assistance from the Almighty.

We observe you are winning in the objection of life and will win more, Insha-Allah.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Muhammad I.V Patel

Student Darul Iftaa
Lusaka, Zambia

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.


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This answer was collected from Askimam.org, which is operated under the supervision of Mufti Ebrahim Desai from South Africa.

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