I am 25 years old man, from India, working as an Engineer in UAE. I am very religious. But the worst thing in me is my over attraction towards sexual matters, which started from my child hood itself (when I was 12). Fortunately till the date I didn’t involved in Zina (Al hamdulillah). But I was attracted to pornography, masturbation, bad thoughts etc…
At the same time I was always frustrated and guilty about my activities, but that couldn’t stop me from doing this. So I decided to search for a soul mate quickly. I was searching for a girl who is having superior quality in religious concepts and very fair looking so that my mind will not be going to wrong things and at the same time her religious values can motivate me as well. I was praying to allah to give me such a girl.
But as I am working in a foreign country I had only one month vacation in a year. last April I went back to india with 1 month vacation. as it is was very short duration, my self and my parents made urgency in searching a girl. I was afraid about repeating the same mistakes if I am coming back without marriage.
On 20th day of my vacation I found a girl. from the first sight we came to an impression that she is very religious, matured in character, and very fair also. As I had a very limited time remaining we made enquiry about girl in a fast manner. we didn’t received any bad responses. so we fixed Nikah
But after fixing Nikah date, some of the situation came which made me very frustrated and upset.
1. Many of my relatives told that she is not that much careful about islamic dressing and life style.
2. When I met her during proposal, she had used several cosmetics, which I couldn’t realize. So she seemed to be very good looking than the actual
3. Her father was working in a commercial bank. I realized that income from bank is not that much good as it is a interest based firm. To avoid any haram wealth in my life, I wanted to tell her parents not to give any ornaments from their side. But my father dis agreed with this. He told that we will not ask for dowry, but it is their right to give some thing to their daughter if they want
4. Also I was afraid that, this interest based haram income will be present in their whole atmosphere including their food, which definilty I cannot avoid
Nikah date was fixed. I was very frustrated. I couldn’t take a proper decision. If I am withdrawing from Nikah on the last moment, I was very sure that the girl and their parents will be very upset because they might have informed about the marriage to all of their relatives and neighbors . In our locality groom withdrawing from a Nikah on last moment will make bad concepts and rumors about the bride in the society, which will make difficulty to her to get good proposals in future. I did’t want to make such a situation to a girl. So I decided to proceed with Nikah, but my mind was not happy…
After Nikah, again I had shocking situation. from her behavior, I came to know that the girl is not matured as I expect. She was kiddish character. Which made me again depressed.
But at the same time she is innocent, and having a lot of dreams about marriage life. So I cannot think even about divorce, which will hurt her and her parents. But at the same time all these situations made me un-attracted to this relation. I am trying very hard, but still I am not happy.
I feel that allah punished me with a unhappy marriage life due to my past mistakes. So now I am very depressed. I am not motivated to do anything. At some point of time I had to take medicines to decrease my depression. I am afraid that this situation will lead me to the wrong path again (may be in a worse path than my old life). I am praying to allah to save me from this situation. I don’t know how he will help me
I am more worried about that girl. I think this situation will spoil her life also. Right now I am acting infront of her that I am very happy about this relation. But I will not be able to continue this for a long time.
I am praying allah to take my life and to give a good life to that girl, before situations get worse. I am praying to allah ” Allahumma ahiyyunee ma kanatil hayathu khayran lee, wa tawaffanee ida kanatil wafatu khayran lee”…
Please pray for me… I dont want to live, cause I will enter wrong path again and I will cause to hardship to the girl and her parents.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Most respected brother,
You refer to four issues in your wife:
- Her dressing
- Her father’s income
- Applying cosmetics
- Her childish attitude
We take not of your religious attitude. May Allah keep you steadfast and increase you in that.
Allah has granted you Tawfeeq to fulfil a great Sunnah of Rasulullah by getting married. Marriage is a protection against Shaitaan. The Shaitaan is attacking you through wasawis (whispers) to create a resentment in your heart for your wife. You should be alert of the plan and attack of shaitaan. Do not give in to the attack of Shaitaan. Condition your mind to be positive and proceed with the marriage. The issues you refer to are relatively minor and can be easily addressed over time. Generally newly married couples face challenges far greater than what you refer to. When you will live together that is when real love will come to the fore and you will witness the real person. It is real love that emanates from the heart. No woman’s physical beauty is permanent. Love based on beauty is superficial and often short lived.
Everyone has an element of childishness in them. We all pass that phase. It’s normal for that childishness to come to the fore before close family members especially before her husband. Imagine if a spouse has to be serious all the time? It is important for you to realise this and give her space. The Prophet SallAllahu Alayhi Wasallam got married to Hazrat Aisha RadhiyAllahu Anha at an age when she used to play with her friends on the swing. Rasulullah SallAllahu Alayhi Wasallam facilitated the childhood nature of Hazrat Aisha RadhiyAllahu Anha and even facilitated for her to be with her childhood friends.
As regards to the gifts of her father, it should be noted that whilst a bank is interest based, it is not necessary that every bank employee’s income is Haram. That depends on the type of job the employee does. We advise you to apply wisdom and diplomacy in such issues and consult with Ulama who would guide you to overcome such issues.
In brief, condition your mind to be positive. Allah loves you. He gave you Imaan and Tawfeeq to practise on a Sunnah. Do not give in to the whispers of Shaitaan. Guard yourself against the tricks and tracks of the Shaitaan.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.