Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari, SunniPath Academy Teacher
Please advise me on this matter. As I told you earlier, I married someone who I really didn’t want to but did to make my mom happy. In over 11 years, the situation has become worse and is affecting my deen. I was seriously considering separation or divorce, but my parents will not hear of it. My mother will not accept the fact that I can’t be a wife to my husband in any way, spiritually, emotionally, or physically, as a reason for divorce. I have asked my husband to marry a second wife but he refuses. I have tried to ask him to sleep somewhere else for a month to make sure that this step is the best step, but he refuses. He knows that I am severely unhappy but he chooses to stay in denial. The more no one listens to me the more I hate my husband. Initially, I didn’t wish to discuss any of his faults and just let my family know that this is a personal issue. However, that doesn’t seem to work, as my father told me to not even think about it. I feel like I am in a prison. My local sheikh is not approachable in matters like these. He is not fair towards women. Many people have heard him make comments against women. I don’t feel, neither does my husband feel, comfortable going to him. Please help me. The fact that no one will listen is making me resentful.
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful
Dear Sister,
Assalamu alaikum,
I pray this message finds you well.
I believe that I covered some of the above-mentioned issues in previous exchanges.
I am sorry hear that your local shaykh is not approachable. I would suggest that you and your husband travel elsewhere to talk to someone who is knowledgeable, qualified to counsel couples, and, is, most importantly, sensitive to women’s concerns. I have heard good things about the Imam at the All Dulles Area Muslim Society (ADAMS). Please visit their website at http://www.adamscenter.org/ for contact information.
The situation appears intractable. However, it doesn’t have to be this way.
Let me reiterate my previous points:
- Your parents cannot force you to stay married. That is simply none of their business. You have to do what is right for your religion and your marriage.
- If you can’t be a wife to your husband, then why stay in the marriage? It is wrong to stay in a situation where you can’t fulfill the rights of others. In fact, marriage is unlawful for the person who knows that he or she can’t be a spouse.
- You can’t force your husband to take a second wife. Taking a second wife will not solve the serious problems that already exist between the two of you.
- You need to see a marriage counselor right away, and it doesn’t have to be a Muslim. You both need to talk to someone urgently!
And Allah knows best.