Answered by Ustadha Rukayat Yakub
Question: Before marriage my husband said he was religious, but he lies, cheats, uses bad language, is arrogant, uses my credit card and misses fajr salat every morning. After breaking promises on my wedding day I left and returned much later after he promised to change. He only agreed to pay 1/4 of the agreed upon mahr when I stopped sleeping with him. He won’t pay hospital bills for my miscarriage and he is forcing me to work even though I am a full time student and he is well educated and capable of having a better job than working as an unskilled laborer. Now I hate him and hate when he touches me. I cry when thinking of having his children and we fight every day. I respect him out of the fear of Allah. I am afraid that I am being a very bad wife and I am sinning everyday by arguing and fighting. Please help me.
Answer: Bismillah
Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah
Are either of your families involved in this marriage? Have you spoken to your parents, or his parents? Marriage is not just about two individuals coming together, it is about the families, and this provides a protection especially for the woman in a marriage.
The purpose of marriage is not oppression; ask yourself how you see your family life in five years. You have also seen that your husband has a history of not being upfront with you among other things. Sometimes when we get married we notice things and think, it will get better over time, but this rarely happens, you have to be comfortable with your spouse and able to respect and love the person as they are. Both partners then build on this foundation through the marriage.
We know that divorce is something disliked in Islam, but you really need to think of what kind of family life you are both establishing for yourselves and for any future children you may have.
My advice to you, before you further complicate your situation (by having children), is to make the Guidance Prayer regarding this marriage and if you want to remain in it, you both must seek marital counseling.
It is related from ‘Ikrima that Ibn ‘Abbas said, “The wife of Thabit ibn Qays ibn Shammas came to the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, ‘Messenger of Allah, I do not criticize Thabit in his deen or his character, but I fear ingratitude.’ The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, ‘Will you return his garden to him?’ ‘Yes,’ she said. She returned it to him and he ordered him to part from her.” (Bukhari)
Here the Prophet Allah bless him and grant him peace asked the wife to return the dower and then he commanded her husband to divorce her. In this companion’s situation, she feared ingratitude and in another narration, she said that she ‘could not bear her husband’, even though his character and deen were sound.
Marriage is based on respect and love, how else can you both work as a cohesive unit if there is no respect or love and this has to go both ways.
And Allah ta’ala knows best
Your sister
Rukayat
Checked & Approved by Faraz Rabbani