My Adopted Parents Keep Rejecting My Marriage Proposals. Can I Go Ahead Without Their Permission?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I am an adopted girl. My mother is still alive. My adopted parents do not want me to get married because they don’t want to take responsibility for my marriage. There is a boy I want to marry but they have ignored him. Can I marry with my biological mother’s permission?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah grant you ease in this difficult situation.

Balance

You have the right to marry a Muslim man of good character and religion. However, your adopted parents also deserve to be treated with respect, consideration and kindness.

I strongly encourage that you and your suitor complete Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life when registration reopens. Please make this a priority, and please do not take any drastic action until you have completed this course.

Solutions

Please find and consult a compassionate local scholar or a community elder who can speak to and reason with your adopted parents.

“Among the signs of success at the end is the turning to God at the beginning” [Aphorism of Ibn ‘Ata illah Al-Iskandari]

Please do everything in your power to win over your adopted parents before you do your nikah. Please perform the Prayer of Need, give in charity with the intention of seeking Allah’s favour, make regular istighfar, and salawat upon the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace).

Because your father has passed away, you do not need your adopted father’s permission to marry. But I am concerned that if you mishandle this situation, you will damage your relationship with your adopted parents. Who will you turn to when you support and guidance during your time as a newlywed?

Marriage is more than you and the man you want to marry. Marriage is also about families coming together, and that brings both ease and hardship. The first year of marriage is often a big adjustment, even in the best of scenarios.

Patience

Until you resolve this matter peacefully, I urge you to limit your contact with the man you wish to marry.

Yes, the threat of falling into zina is real when you are already emotionally attached for so many years. However, rather than think that the only solution is to rush into nikah, take a step back. Give yourselves some time to cool things down. Ask yourself, “How am I making this better or worse?” If you know that seeing or talking to him regularly is only inflaming your desire and his, then please take a breather. When you do meet, please ensure you are chaperoned.

Please be honest with yourself. If you are already involved in sin, or are very close to it, then don’t delay your nikah. Again, this is your last resort, and not your first.

I pray that Allah blesses you with a tranquil marriage which brings you and your loved ones closer to Allah.

Please refer to the following links:

Can I Marry Without My Parents’ Consent?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Photo: Philip Halling