Answered by Shaykh Gibril F Haddad
My husband and I are in disagreement over a particular issue regarding visitors to our home. My view is that if someone calls and says they would like to come visit on a particular day, the husband should check with the wife to see if this day is a good day, as sometimes there are other commitments the husband may not know about. Further, the wife is usually the one who will prepare the house and perhaps a meal for the guests, and she should have a say in whether that day is a good day for visitors or if another day would be more appropriate. My husband says that if a guest asks to come on a particular day, the husband cannot tell the guest that he must check plans with his wife; rather he should allow the guest to come, without having to double-check with his wife before confirming.
In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
Wa `alaykum as-Salam wa rahmatullah:
Traditional Muslim domestic architecture provided for a separate guest room or “diwan” with adjoining bath and restroom near the foyer of the house so that a guest or guests might be entertained there even several days without interfering in the normal run of the house. Cheap ready-made hot dishes could be ordered day and night from the corner chickpea and bean stores. Nowadays, however, houses tend to be smaller and the guests tend to be brought right into the private spaces of the house so that its appearance has to be readjusted for each such occasion, otherwise a visitor might think negatively not of the master, but typically of the mistress of the house. In addition, the world and its pomp has so overwhelmed society that hospitality now requires a veritable protocol. Simplicity often goes out the window together with many Islamic manners. Protracted and impromptu visits thus become a burden because they alter the normal run of the house more radically than before. And all this applies to women of the East who tend to be more demanding with themselves over the “proper” way to keep house and treat guests; then what about Western women who tend to be less prepared to begin with?
Therefore, in our regimented times and in the West especially, the fact that it is the wife that usually prepares the house and perhaps meals for guests, often without help, is a good motivation for the husband (especially with the widespread use of cellphones) to let her know as much as possible in advance of the coming of a visitor to their home, as a courtesy to her, to alleviate the pressure of an added duty, and in order to refine ever more the paradisiacal harmony of marital life at home as well as ensure proper hospitality due to guests, both of which are types of worship for which he will get reward, and also to thank her on a regular basis with deeds and not just words. Indeed, it is good for the couple to discuss anything and everything that enters and exits the household when it might affect it for better or for worse.
Nevertheless, delaying an unexpected guest on the grounds of prior engagements or inappropriate timing is not an Islamic trait. But we need first to understand the importance of hospitality in Islam.
A Muslim household must endeavor their utmost to acquire Muslim manners in the chapter of hospitality such as generosity and abnegation, as hospitality is one of the Divine tests of belief in Allah and the Last Day according to the mass-transmitted (mutawatir) hadith of the Prophet, upon him blessings and peace:
“Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let them treat their guest generously.” Al-Bukhari, Muslim, Malik, al-Tirmidhi, Abu Dawud, Ibn Majah, al-Darimi, and Ahmad.
Generosity here means to readily shelter and refresh a guest for at last three days as if the guest were actually the most important member of the household. Abnegation means to put their interests before our own from the first we hear of their need, without making excuses, so that we reap the reward of the hadith:
“Whoever caters to his brother’s need, Allah fulfills his need…” Al-Bukhari and Muslim.
Hence, spending one’s God-given property including space, time, and energy as well as money and food, toward hosting a guest whom Allah Most High sends our way is a very serious matter that deserves our full immediate attention and does not bear delay. Proper etiquette here is not so much to prepare in advance but to give from whatever we have, as the Prophet would do, upon him blessings and peace, when he said, coming home: “Is there anything to eat?” If something is prepared, we share, if not, then remnants and simplicity. We should not go overboard trying to “make everything perfect” as some ultra-organized spouses might tend to stress. Allah Most High said in his Book:
And Our messengers came unto Ibrahim with good news. They said: Peace! He answered: Peace! and delayed not to bring a roasted calf (Hud 11:69).
Imam al-Qurtubi said: “In this verse, part of the etiquette related to guests is that they be hosted promptly, so whatever is available is presented to them on the spot. Then it can be followed up with something else if one has wealth. The host should not task himself with what might overly burden him. Hospitality is part of excellent manners, the etiquette of Islam, and the high character of Prophets and the Righteous.”
In reality, it is we that are in need and Allah is supporting us, sustaining us, saving us from our self-centered lives by sending us a guest who redeems us merely by eating our food and sleeping in our house. The Righteous of olden times would say that “the guest brings his rizq and leaves with the sins of the hosts forgiven.”
To help put your priorities and commitments in proper perspective, imagine yourself standing under the unbearable hot sun at the horrific scene of wailing and desolation on the Day of Judgment; would you not appreciate a prompt rescue? Your selfless generosity to guests and husband now might become your prompt rescue then. How small and insignificant might “other commitments” loom then!
I know of a European Muslim family all converts that had a guest. It was the family’s day off and they all had put on their coats to go out in the family car when the eldest son came with the news that: “Our guest says he needs the car to go somewhere.” Without so much as a huff of annoyance they all took off their jackets and the father handed the car keys over.
Another time I heard a pious person praise his wife in these terms: “A guest may knock at my door in the night, she will get out of bed and prepare some refreshment without complaining. May Allah bless her and thank her.”
And how many times have I seen my teacher give up his food, his rest, his privacy, his “quality time” at home or rest time on the road, so as to attend to other people’s needs, all of whom he considered his God-sent guests, even if they called on the phone at mealtimes or in the middle of the night? His household never stood in the way but always helped because they, like him, made a conscious choice of Allah and his Prophet over their own comforts.
The magnificent paradigm of the Muslims described above is the following hadith:
One time someone visited the Prophet, upon him blessings and peace, who said: “Who will host this man?” One of the Ansar immediately said: “I will.” Then he rushed to his wife and told her: “Provide generously for the guest of the Messenger of Allah.” She replied: “We only have food for the children!” He said: “Prepare the food then light the candle and put the children to bed at dinner-time.” She did as he said [and put the children to sleep on an empty stomach] then she got up to tinker with the light and she put it out. Then she and her husband pretended to eat but remained hungry that night. The next morning they went to see the Prophet, upon him blessings and peace, and he said: “Last night Allah laughed or was astonished [the narrator hesitated] at what you two did!” Then Allah revealed the verse: They put others above their need though poverty become their lot (59:9). Narrated from Abu Hurayra by Bukhari and Muslim.
Imam Bukhari said that the meaning of laughter (dahik) here is mercy (rahma). Imam Ahmad interpreted it as abundant generosity (kathrat al-karam) and vast good pleasure (siat al-rida). Imam al-Khattabi interpreted it as good pleasure (rida). Ibn al-Jawzi interpreted it as generosity (karam) and favor (fadl). Imam al-Nawawi explained it as a metaphor (istiara) for good pleasure, bestowal of reward (thawab), and Allah’s love (mahabba) after Qadi Iyad who added that another possible meaning is that the laughter applies to Allah’s angels. The latter is the interpretation preferred by Ibn Hibban. Ibn Hajar al-Asqalani said, “The attribution of laughter and wonder to Allah is figurative (majaziyya) and their meaning is Allah’s good pleasure at their deed.”
Khattabi said concerning the words “Allah was astonished”:
“Astonishment cannot be applied to Allah Almighty nor befits His Attributes. Its significance is only good pleasure, and it actually means that the deed of the two spouses met with Divine good pleasure, acceptance, and many-fold rewards in the place of something trivial which causes our astonishment for being placed high above its value, and being repaid many times its kind. Its meaning may also be that Allah causes astonishment and laughter among the angels.”
May your deeds meet with the Divine good pleasure, a wondrous reward for something trivial! May Allah inspire us with small gestures in this world through which He will forgive us with a big forgiveness in the next and may He teach us the ways of true hospitality according to the Sunna of His Prophet, upon him and his Family and Companions blessings and peace.
Hajj Gibril