Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari, SunniPath Academy Teacher
Day in and out, in the silence of the night, I commit sin; I look at that which I shouldn’t, please myself in a way I shouldn’t. And I hate myself for it. And after committing the act I feel guilty. I used to repent to Allah, but now I cannot bring myself to do even that, for when I repent I know deep in my mind that this is not true repentance, that I will most likely fall into sin again. I’m at university now, away from home, although I intend to get married as soon as I finish my degree and can support a wife. I fear I shall not last till then. And I’m so scared. Deep within me I feel like crying, but I know that only a few hours later everything will subside and once again I may sin. I thought that perhaps by giving a sheikh bay’ah it may help, but I cannot find a sheikh whom I feel comfortable with. As the days go by I feel my iman leaving me. I can’t concentrate at all during prayers, and I don’t know what to do.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. Praise be to Allah. May the peace and blessings of Allah shower upon our Beloved Messenger, his family, companions, and those who follow them.
Dear Brother,
You are not wasting my time. The reason you wrote to Sunni Path is because you obviously need someone to talk to.
The first thing I want to address here is the despair you are feeling. Please do not despair in Allah’s mercy and forgiveness. Allah, the Exalted, says in the Quran, “Say: O My slaves who have transgressed against themselves! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (39:53)
And in a Hadith Qudsi: On the authority of Anas, may Allah be pleased with him, who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, say: Allah the Almighty said: O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it.”
This is the beauty of our deen. Allah, the Sublime, gives us countless opportunities to turn to Him in repentance no matter how often we sin.
Another thing we should discuss is your giving up on repentance. Don’t do that! There is no limit to how many times a person can repent. By deciding that you won’t even try to repent because you know that you will commit the same sin again, you are leaving the door wide open for Shaitan. One sin can often lead to another if we don’t hold our nafs in check and avail ourselves of repentance. It is crucial that you make good on your repentance for this particular sin. Since you know that you will commit this sin in the privacy of your home, how about breaking the habit by changing your environment? Why not go to the masjid for itikaf? This will give you a nice change of pace and an opportunity to think about where you want to be in life. Or try staying over with a pious Muslim brother. That way you’ll have someone to talk to and uplift your iman.
It’s important to avoid the scenario that leads to the sin. If you know that by looking at certain things, say on the TV or computer, will tempt you to sin, then turn off the television, shut down the computer, and try to focus on something else. When you’re about to sin, think about how bad you will feel the next day. Why put yourself through this? You said that you feel self-hatred. Is this because of the sin? Then make a better choice about how to spend your time. Inshallah, you’ll feel better about yourself when you wake up in the morning. Please don’t hate yourself. You are a Muslim. You believe in Allah and His Prophet. You want to change the situation. There is no need to hate yourself. You have to love yourself enough to want what is best for your heart and soul.
I know that you don’t want to hear the standard response of “You need to get married.” But why not? You said that you have a need to be held and supported. You obviously have a need for human companionship, which is perfectly natural. Many brothers in your same predicament have found that having a wife relieves the tension they feel, eliminates the temptation to sin, gives them the peace of mind they need, and eases their loneliness. It is very possible to be married and in school at the same time. Some brothers and sisters find that when they have the companionship of a spouse, they become even more focused on their studies because they have the peace of mind that comes with sharing their life with someone.
If you are financially not able to pursue marriage, then why not at least start preparations? It’s never to early to start planning this very important step in your life. Plus, if you have something else to focus on beside yourself, inshallah you can channel your energies in a more positive direction.
Finally, I strongly advise you to seek the counsel of a scholar. It is crucial that you surround yourself with pious, knowledgeable Muslims who will encourage you to be steadfast. Sometimes we don’t always feel comfortable around shuyukh because of their deep insights into human nature. Often, like a doctor, they can tell us exactly what’s wrong with us. It is up to us to realize the benefit of taking the medicine they prescribe. So don’t stop looking for a shaykh.
And remember that Allah understands the innermost thoughts of your soul. So even if you don’t give voice to your fears, Allah knows them. He knows your prayers, spoken and unspoken, in English and Arabic. So turn to Him for strength.
And Allah alone gives success. And Allah knows best.
Umm Salah (Zaynab Ansari)
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