Q: My husband and I have been married for 4 years alhamdulilah and we have a beautiful daughter. He came from a foreign country right before we got married. Now we have been living with my family since marriage. We fight over the smallest things and I always some how get stuck fighting between my family and him. Our mothers have prior problems (even though we have an arranged marriage) and it causes major issues between us. We both are very stubborn but I seem to be the only one giving in all the time and I always tell him it’s shaytaan causing problems but he ignores it and says I am the reason for the fight. At this point I’m really fed up with always fighting and all I do is cry. One of the major reasons we fight is because we don’t have our own place and he doesn’t want to move out of my parents home. Because of us living here, my brother had to move to his wife parents house because his wife says living in the same house as my husband would make her have to stay in purdah all the time, because of this my brother fights with me because he hates living there but he can’t afford living anywhere else. My husband tells me to ignore him, because his wife forces him to fight with us. Another reason is because both of us work and I am paying our bills and other expenses, even paying for our child, while he sends money to his family. If he’s the father, isn’t it his responsibility? Sometimes when we can’t afford something we have to use a credit card, which now started building interest. He always tells me how haraam interest is but he never does anything about it. All he says is i should stop wasting my money, because there is hisaab for every penny. I find this extremely unfair because I don’t want to work but I have to and I can’t even complete college because of that. And now that I am working, he says I should pay off the credit card bill since I am earning, even though he took part in making that bill. If I bring up the matter of “woman shouldn’t work” he says I am right and that I should make my father pay for my things (while he is sending money to his brothers and sisters). If I give money to my mom for babysitting my daughter, he asks why should you pay her, isn’t she the grandmother and then he compares it to his own mother watching her grandchildren just because they are her own. If i tell him that we need to settle down before helping others, he says I am heartless and it is a form of charity. I can’t argue with him or back up my concerns enough because I don’t know how to respond to everything (I’m kind of slow at responses). Allah has the best solutions but something makes me think he is falling back from his imaan. Is their any hadith or can you give a response about how the husband is responsible for his wife and kids before his brother and sisters? I know his father is retired and doesn’t have a reliable source of income to support the family but he has another brother who should also take part in helping with his father, but the brother also seems to be living off of us. How can I convince my husband to worry about his wife and kid and get us settled down because if we stay at this pace, we won’t ever be able to get our own home or pay off our credit cards.
A: This person is not committed to the marriage nor is he committed to you. He needs to understand that when he entered into the marriage he needs to assume all responsibilities. It is your fault that you started off work. The better thing is to leave out work completely and he needs to understand that he needs to be paying and taking care of all your needs and requirements.
And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
Answered by:
Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)