Importance of consulting one’s elders with regards to marriage

Q: I have found a spouse for myself and a very good one alhamdulillah, however he is from a different culture from me. I have nothing against interracial marriage or different cultures getting married in fact I find it very fascinating. I am scared what my family might say and that they will not accept. My brother is also a mufti and there are people in my area who have married from different cultures but my parents may have a different opinion when it comes to there own family. What should I do to overcome being scared and to be confident to tell my family?


A: Islam encourages a woman to consult her elders especially her father and brothers in these matters. She should not act independently in these type of things. Generally experience, understanding and exposure is more in men than in women. Hence women should refer to their fathers and brothers before getting married. Getting into a marriage without them is really asking for trouble. From the distance it looks very fascinating but when the fireworks begin, then not everyone can manage and tolerate the explosions. If you take your own route then your parents, etc, have the full right to rebuke you. Thus, you have landed yourself in your own problems. Moreover you desperately require the duas and the blessings of your near and dear ones on this very precious day of your life.

Man on the other hand is greedy and deceitful. When he wants something then he has a different approach. He tends to become very humble, sweet and alluring. Once he receives what he wants, then he forgets the promises and ignores the expectations he initially alluded towards. Hence there is nothing more sensible than a woman consulting her elders and allowing them to co-operate and decide in matters related to her marriage.    

And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.

عن أبي موسى قال : قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم لا نكاح إلا بولي (ترمذي #1101)

Answered by:

Mufti Zakaria Motala

Checked & Approved:

Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)