I converted to Islam a few years ago and have been married for a year almost.
There are a few problems which I need help in:
1. My in laws hate me because I am from out side the family, cast and culture and colour
2. I got married in secret without my family who are non Muslims
3. My immediate family doe snot know I am Muslim and i don’t know what to say
4 my family want me to have a wedding reception, i have said no alcohol but they say that i have to respect what other people want, ect. I am a strict Muslim and my family are sort of aware i am a Muslim but not totally sure and i don’t know what to do
5 my family are hurt they did not get invited to my nikkah which was very rushed and i do want a walima but not haram
6 my in laws probably wont come but there will be Muslims there and i do not want to give the impression that i condone drinking alcohol
7. Free mixing, there is no chance of me having a separate gathering
8 I have suggested one reception for Muslims and the other for non Muslims what should I do
ANSWER
In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
Firstly, may Allah Most High bless you greatly with your acceptance of Islam, and assist you on your every step in this auspicious journey towards the Hereafter.
With regards to the problems you have mentioned, you should always remember that your main concern is your marriage and your husband. As long as you and your husband are happily married, there is nothing really to be concerned or worried about. All the other family members (whether his or yours) should be respected and treated in a polite and gentle manner. Besides that, there are no additional duties.
If your in-laws dislike you due to the fact that you are from a different culture and background, then this is totally outrageous and unacceptable whatsoever, and has nothing to do with Islam. The Qur’an and Sunnah are quite clear on the fact that Pride, boasting and vainglory based on ancestry, lineage and origin is absolutely unlawful.
Allah Most High Says:
“O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know each other (not that you may despise each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) most righteous of you.” (Surah al-Hujurat, 13)
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:
“Verily Allah has removed from you the stupidity of the Jahiliyya and their boasting of their ancestors. Whether you are god-fearing believers or wretched sinners, you are the sons of Adam, and Adam was created from dust.” (Sunan Abu Dawud)
However, your duty and responsibility is to be good with your in-laws. If you do that, you will have fulfilled your obligation, and leave the rest to Allah Most High. Be polite, gentle and kind with them, even if they dislike you. This will eventually have an effect on them and gradually they will begin to accept you, and even if they don’t, you will be rewarded on this in the hereafter.
As for your own non-Muslim family members, they must also be treated with respect, kindness and politeness (especially your parents), for that is their right. However, if they command or order you to do something that is contrary to the teachings of Islam, then you must refuse in the best of ways.
Allah Most High says:
“And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), “Show gratitude to Me and to your parents: to Me is (your final) Goal. But if they strive to make you join in worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration).” (Surah Luqman, 14-15)
Therefore, if they command you to carry out something that is completely unlawful, then you must refuse in a gentle and polite manner. You mention that your family are probably aware of you accepting Islam, then, I think, you should inform them about your acceptance of Islam. Explain to them (with using wisdom) on why and how you accepted Islam, and mention to them the beauties of this great religion, and who knows, they might be even inclined towards Islam.
As far as the wedding reception or feast is concerned, agree mutually with your husband on how to go about with this. There may be a number of things that you may need to consider: Your in-laws, your family members and (most importantly) the laws of Shariah. I am not in a position to give you a general ruling or advice, for I am unaware of the people involved. You and your husband will have to make this decision.
You may have a separate reception for Muslims and non-Muslims. The injunctions of Shariah may be implemented in the Muslim gathering, e.g. no free-fixing, etc. The reception you hold for your non-Muslim family and others may well be a mixed gathering, and they may even consume alcohol if they wish.
However, if you have one gathering for everyone, you must take into consideration the injunctions of Shariah. If you are able to seat the males and females separately and also those (non-Muslims) consuming alcohol separately, then that may also be permissible. If this is also not possible, then you can have them at the reception consuming alcohol, but one should dislike this from the heart.
It is not unlawful to eat with non-Muslims, rather if the intention is correct (such as the hope of them accepting Islam), it may be recommended. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) also invited a non-Muslim to his house.
It is stated in al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya:
“Is it permissible to eat with a fire-worshipper or any other non-believer? It has been related from Hakim Imam Abd al-Rahman al-Katib that, if a Muslim was afflicted and confronted with this once or twice, then there is nothing wrong with that, but to make a habit of doing this would be (prohibitively) disliked.” (al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya, 5/347)
I hope I have been able to help you, somewhat, with your dilemmas.
And Allah knows best
[Mufti] Muhammad ibn Adam
Darul Iftaa
Leicester , UK