How do I find the perfect spouse?
I want to get married but I really hope I get the best person in the world. Please advise me how to find the right one?
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Every young adult experiences a time in their life where the fear of not finding the right partner eats them away inside. Every boy hopes to wed a princess; every girl dreams to wed a prince charming. Dreams can become a reality. One must walk the path to one’s dream.
The following points are the path to finding the right spouse:
1) Work on yourself
The search for the ‘right one’ begins from oneself. One has to be right to get someone right. Only a prince gets a princess. Each person has to work to improve his/her conduct, morals, values and ethics. We have to make ourselves people of substance. A person should have worth and value.
A two dimensional effort is required from each person:
Praiseworthy qualities and characteristics need to be embedded in one’s life. Kindness, gentlessness, compassion, mercy, softness, a sense of understanding, tolerance, well-wishing, sincerity and other such traits should be radiant from one’s demeanour. Blameworthy traits like intolerance, anger, hatred, malice, crudeness, pride, stubbornness and the like need to be effaced from one’s disposition. A sincere effort to become more Allah conscious is the key.
Along with an effort to improve one’s psychological balance, one needs to exert concerted pressure on the soul for it to elevate to lofty ranks and stations. We need to become men and women of Allah. All good and prosperity is acquired simply by being close to Allah. One who befriends a king has access to the king and his treasures. Whoever befriends Allah, he will have VIP treatment in this world and the Hereafter.
Much of the psychological balance discussed above is achieved by working on one’s soul. It is highly recommended and encouraged to seek out scholars under whom one can train and tame his psyche and base desires.
In addition to taming one’s soul, one needs to make his/her life flourish with true and devout worship of Almighty Allah. The idea is to become good; goodness in essence is being close to Allah. This is the door to all goodness and virtue.
2) Make du’ā’
The first step towards the goal is seeking the help of Allah Almighty. All goodness rests with Allah. One should beg Allah to bless him with a pious and noble spouse.
One should seek Allah’s assistance daily if not after prayer. In addition, one may perform Salāh al-Hājah and seek Allah’s aid.
3) Travel the right route!
Step two is simply to head in the right direction! If one lives down south and wants to travel north, he must take a northbound route. Likewise, if one wants to marry a loving, sweet, kind, soft and good natured partner, one must travel the route which leads to such a partner. A person may have a very fast car and in fine condition, in other words, he/she may be very pious and devout, yet if he heads south, he will not reach the north.
Affairs, relationships or anything pre-marital is impermissible in Islam. Whatever Islam has taught us is only for our benefit. The system of Islam is the most beautiful system. Islam protects our dignity, honour and interests. Every ruling of Islam has compounding benefits. We cannot invoke the mercy of Allah which we all so desire by committing acts displeasing to Allah.
Marriage is not about one day, one month or one year. Marriage is a lifetime’s commitment. A lifetime’s commitment requires a partner who is a lifetime partner. An affair or an impermissible relationship is not a commitment. Such relationships have ‘no strings attached’. The man is not obliged to provide for the woman; the woman is not obliged to tend to the needs of the man. They do not live together usually, so the responsibilities, compromise and experience of living under one roof do not apply. In most cases, the couple do not even have contact with each other’s family. Therefore, the true lifestyle, nature and personality of a person can never manifest itself by being in such a relationship.
True love only begins with marriage. A famous quote reads,
“In the secular world, love is a madness which only ends with marriage. In Islam, love is a madness which only begins with marriage.”
There are many examples where a man and woman in a pre-marital relationship married only to divorce thereafter. One expects the post-marital relationship to be just as spicy as the pre-marital relationship. However, when the knot is tied, reality strikes. Characteristics, habits and practices of a person begin to surface which one was totally unaware of. Some differences cannot be endured. This leads to friction and a divide which is unbridgeable. The end result is separation.
4) Consult parents, Ulama and seniors
The one looking to get married should abstain from finding a spouse on the hard shoulder. A youngster must consult his parents and seniors. There are many prospective and likeable faces concealed; one’s parents and seniors will unearth these diamonds for you.
Speak to your parents about your intention to get married. A person always knows a person who knows a person. This is the game plan. That’s how it works. Women are excellent matchmakers; especially elderly women. Many toddlers from the community have matured in their sight. Therefore, approaching such senior people is definitely a head start.
Likewise, another hotspot to guide you to prospective spouses are the respected Ulama (scholars). The scholars are the ones whose days and nights pass in the company of other pious individuals. They will know people from the community. They may lead you to a hidden treasure!
If a potential target is located, lock on and research. Before approaching any girl, do a thorough investigation on her. Find out who she is, where is she from, her lineage, her family, what is she like etc. If one has female family members, they can really help here. A female can judge another female in an instance. Usually, mothers have friends who have friends. It is through all these links and contacts information and vital intelligence is obtained.
Try and identify somebody whom you know and who knows the potential spouse. That may be a start.
The same can be said when finding a boy. A girl’s family must do a meticulous investigation. A daughter is the coolness of every parent’s eyes. They want to give their daughter to the most honourable and worthy male. The boy’s background, characteristics, nature, cast, work, profession should all be gauged.
It is vital to gather as much as information on a potential spouse. This will really help when selecting a spouse. If a person is good natured and noble, everyone will give 5 star reviews. You will get a silhouette of the person in your mind before even seeing her.
An important point here is to also get opinions on looks of the person in mind. This is just as important. In this day and age of fitna (trials), one must be attracted to his spouse. If one is not attracted to his/her spouse, it can lead one to a lot of sin. One’s desires should be fulfilled in one’s spouse. There should be no need at all to gaze anywhere else. One must be magnetic to one’s spouse only.
6) The approach
If one is satisfied with all the information gathered on a potential spouse, then one’s parents should approach the family of the girl. A lot of patience is required here. Every step now should be done with a balanced mind. Always give time to the other family. They will need to consider all their options. One’s parents might enquire about the prospect of marriage by phone or personally pay a visit. They may even use a third party. Using a trusted third party may be ideal. Usually, the family of the prospective spouse are taken aback by the idea of marriage. They need time. Therefore, after enquiring, allow ample time to the family to entertain the thought of marriage.
You may not hear any response from the family of the girl for one/two weeks. Do not be impatient. One should keep busy with their lives. Whatever is good, insha’Allah, that will transpire. Leave it to Allah.
If the response is positive, then let things flow their course. It would be ideal to have a glance at the girl so one knows exactly how she looks. Likewise, the girl should be given a chance to glance at the boy who is proposing to her. If all goes well, there will be a wedding around the corner!
Nevertheless, throughout the whole process, one needs to keep his eyes fixed on Allah. Never be impatient. Keep your hopes and spirits high. Good things come to those who wait. Always be understanding and tolerable.
We make du῾ā’ Allah Ta῾ālā grant you and all the single Muslims around the world a pious loving spouse. Amīn.
And Allah Ta’ālā Knows Best
Mufti Faraz ibn Adam al-Mahmudi,