I’ve been friend with a sister for over a decade, I consider her as my blood sister, she is 6 years my senior and my best friend. We almost do everything together and our children are like siblings. We babysit each other children, (they go to the same Madrassah) and pick them up from school whenever the other is anavailable. She’s been maried for almost 20 years and her and her husband have 6 children including 2 teenagers. I’ve been divorced for years now and her husband and my ex-husband used to be friends. Recently, her husband asked me to marry him, which I turned down because of the relationship that I have with my friens, I dont want her to feel betrayed nor do I want our relationship to end or her children to hate me. I’m also aware of few problems between her and her husband ( I don’t want the same thing happening to me), they don’t get along I would say about 80% at the time. During those difficult times, she seeks shelter and advise with me. I told he husband about these reasons, he wasn’t okay with them and say that they are unislamic and I’m going against Sunnah, that 2 women that aren’t blood sisters could be married to the same man. My friend doesn’t know about the proposition and I feel very guilty about it and uncomfortable around her because we don’t have secrets.
1- Are my reasons for not accepting his proposal valid in Islam?
2- Should I inform my friend about all this? or keep it a secret?
Please help me what to do, I’m in such dillemma.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
1.) Your reason for rejecting this proposal is correct, considering that your best friend will feel that you betrayed her. Marrying her husband will not only affect your friendship but her marriage and your marriage, her kids and your kids. Looking at the issue from this perspective makes it clear that the harms of this union will far outweigh the benefits.
You should not feel guilty because there is nothing wrong with rejecting his proposal, as a woman has a right to refuse or accept any proposal. While it would be permissible to marry him since you are not his wife’s sister (not related by blood or through a foster relationship), you are not rejecting the proposal for this reason. Rather, your reasoning is that you have a sisterly relationship with your friend, and you do not want anything to ruin it. This is a very valid point.
Going forward, you should not communicate with her husband as he is a stranger to you. Open interaction is what leads to issues like this.
2.) Since your relationship with her is such that you do not keep secrets from each other, it might be better to let your friend know that her husband has proposed to you and that you have declined out of respect for your relationship with her.
Tell her that you do not want to lose the bond you have with each other, and that is why you are telling her. It is also advisable to distance yourself from frequenting her home in order to defy Nafs and Shaytan. Her husband’s inclination to you will be jolted by the Nafs and Shaytan. You could advise your friend you wish to remain friends but do not want to fall prey to the tricks of Shaytan. Console her in a very gentle way and tell her to trust in Allah.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Sohail ibn Arif,
Student Darul Iftaa
Chicago, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.