I converted to Islam some 10 years ago, am married with children now for 9 years.
Not being knowledgeable in all issue I normally refer to family of my wife or friends for advise, most of which know my wife’s family.
Hence the need for an external source of advise.
Of late there has been a lot of tension between my wife and my parents due to untruths which I have witnessed being said to my wife by my mother in law, when I question any of this it creates a even bigger issue.
This weaving of mistruths created a big fight last time my parents came to visit, with my parents in law being in our house at the same time.
My wife now refused to speak to, visit or even have in our house my parents, whilst I am obliged to visit speak to and host her parents.
My questions are;
· In Islam my wife say that after marriage I must devoid myself of my family and devote myself to her. This sounds illogical, please advise.
· With respect to rights of the Parents of the married couple, who has the greater rights if any; I have been advised it is the man.
The reason lies behind the fact that when my parents want to visit they live in Australia, we live in the UAE, and hence need to book 6 months in advance due to tickets. My wife’s parents who only live 3 hours flight away and can book tickets easily, seem to come always at the same as my parents, just before mostly to secure the spare bedroom, and create issues whilst they are here.
I do not want a fight but want to know the facts when things are said to me.
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalaamu `alaykum waRahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
Regarding spouses, Allāh Ta’ālā says in the Qur’ān,
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ (الروم: 21)
And from amongst His signs is that He created spouses for you from amongst yourselves so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect (Qur’ān 30:21)
This tranquility, affection, and mercy can only come about when the husband and wife are understanding and considerate of each other’s feelings. Each of the two spouses should not be concerned about what is their right. Rather, each one should be concerned about whether they are fulfilling the other’s rights. Both of your should try to suppress your discomfort with your in-laws for the happiness of the spouse. When describing the Companions رضي الله عنهم, Allāh Ta’ālā says,
وَالَّذِينَ تَبَوَّءُوا الدَّارَ وَالْإِيمَانَ مِنْ قَبْلِهِمْ يُحِبُّونَ مَنْ هَاجَرَ إِلَيْهِمْ وَلَا يَجِدُونَ فِي صُدُورِهِمْ حَاجَةً مِمَّا أُوتُوا وَيُؤْثِرُونَ عَلَى أَنْفُسِهِمْ وَلَوْ كَانَ بِهِمْ خَصَاصَةٌ وَمَنْ يُوقَ شُحَّ نَفْسِهِ فَأُولَئِكَ هُمُ الْمُفْلِحُونَ (الحشر: 9)
And those who had homes and adopted faith before them, they love those who emigrate to them and have no jealousy in their hearts for that which they have been given, and they give preference over themselves even though they are in need. And whoever is saved from his own covetousness, they are the successful (Qur’ān 59:9)
Moreover, most disputes could be resolved if the relevant parties take heed of the Prophet’s صلى الله عليه وسلم statement,
حدثنا مسدد قال حدثنا يحيى عن شعبة عن قتادة عن أنس رضي الله عنه عن النبي صلى الله عليه و سلم وعن حسين المعلم قال عن النبي صلى الله عليه و سلم قال لا يؤمن أحدكم حتى يحب لأخيه ما يحب لنفسه
(صحيح البخاري، كتاب الإيمان، باب من الإيمان أن يحب لأخيه ما يحب لنفسه: 1/13؛ ابن كثير)
None of you believes until he likes for his brother what he likes for himself (Bukhārī)
Thus, your in-laws and your parents should treat each other in the same manner they would like to be treated. In addition, your wife should treat your parents as she would like her parents to be treated, while you should treat her parents as you would like your parents to be treated. Just as she would not want you to prevent her parents from visiting, she should not ask you to prevent your parents from visiting.
Therefore, just as your wife likes her parents to come and stay at your house, she should also like your parents to come and stay at your house. It is not true that, after marriage, a husband should cut himself off from his family and devote himself to his wife. Rather, both spouses should maintain all previous family relations, in addition to the new ones formed after marriage.
All parties involved must handle the matter with maturity and in accordance with the above-mentioned hadīth. When your parents are visiting, you and your wife should tell her parents that you are not available at that time and another time would be more appropriate. Similarly, when your wife’s parents are scheduled to visit, you should propose another suitable time.
Furthermore, it is necessary for all Muslims to know that severe warnings have been mentioned in the Qur’ān and hadīth against those who lie, tattletale, cut relationships, or cause disunity amongst people. One must always be cognizant of the āyah,
مَا يَلْفِظُ مِنْ قَوْلٍ إِلَّا لَدَيْهِ رَقِيبٌ عَتِيدٌ (ق: 18)
Not a word does he speak except there is a watcher by him ready (to record it) (Qur’ān 50:18)
And Allah knows best
Wassalaamu `alaykum
Ml. Abrar Mirza,
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In’aamiyyah