Im 31.I was seeing someone for 2 yrs.I accept that this was Islamically unacceptable.Wr however planned to marry but often he would swear at me and degrade me, but I cared for him sincerely.I discovered while seeing me he was seeing another girl who he plans on arrying & traets like a queen.It tears me apart.I cant stop crying.I cant forgive him.In my namaazes I pray that he be punished for hurting & disrespecting me.Can one do this?Also what dua can one read for sabr & acceptance of one’s taqdeer as I dont believe I was meant to marry.I know it’s in Allah’s hands but realistically I dont see myself getting married.
Jazakallah for writing to the institute regarding your mixed feelings about taking ‘revenge’ on a person who has hurt you. Even though your mail sounds negative, I am pleased to tell you that you have some qualities which are pleasing. You ask about duas for acceptance of your taqdeer and for sabr. These qualities are very loved by Allah Ta’ala and my dua for you is that you are granted these in abundance during this painful time. Ameen.
Sister,we could approach your problem in two ways. You can perhaps tell me which approach is better, one which is conducive to your growth as a human being and with lots of promise for a more positive outlook in life. Or an approach which will leave you feeling guilty, negative and filled with a greater desire for vengeance.
You write that he treated you badly by swearing and degrading you, yet he treated another woman with dignity and care. He lied to you and he humiliated you by dumping you. In other words, he didn’t care about you at all. When he insulted you, he was actually trying to get rid of you. He did not have the courage to tell you to get lost. He was a coward and he used you. You just didn’t see it that way. You say you were sincere, he was not. Tell me, what type of life would you have had with him? It could be that you would have written to this web site a few years down the line asking for help because this man never treated you and your children well and he spends more time with his second wife. Basically, you would have been trapped in a bad marriage. Allah Ta’ala has spared you from a tormented life with this man.
As you have just stated, dating is/was unacceptable. Imagine, even though you acted contrary to Allah Ta’ala’s commands, your Creator saved you from this man. Allow me to suggest that you turn to the One who loves you at all times with no demand that you return any of His favours other than that you worship Him by obeying His commandments.So how about doing some ‘spring cleaning’ and get rid of the cobwebs and unwelcome stress which is filling your life at the moment? He is probably happy wherever he is without a care or thought about your welfare. Throw this guy out of your life completely, say to yourself, ” I don’t need this/him in my life, I need to move on and be appreciated as a valued creation of Allah Ta’ala”. Come to think of it, don’t we all desire to have good positive thoughts which lead to our personal growth and improved relationships with others? The choice is yours.
You can take this episode as a bitter lesson in life but one which you do not have to repeat. Let it also be a lesson to you in another way. That the next time you feel ready for marriage, you will go about it according to the precepts of our beloved Nabi (sallallaahu alayhi wasssallam) and use the guidelines set down by him when choosing a partner.
You ask about making dua against him. One should not make dua against anybody. We all want Allah Ta’ala’s forgiveness so by forgiving a person who has hurt you, you remove a burden from your shoulders You will find that your heart and shoulders will become lighter. As long as we have a grudge against another person, we find that we go on thinking of that person and how to hurt him/her. We achieve very little which is constructive and at the end of the day we are left exhausted, more angry and defeated. This is shaitaan’s way of destroying our thoughts and hearts. We are reduced to becoming cabbages because we can do nothing constructive with out lives others than to seek ways to punish the offender. I have re-read your reasons. You say, “……….I pray that he be punished for hurting and disrespecting me…….” Sister, if you dig deeply, you will find that you are the one who failed to look after yourself and your honour. You disrespected yourself by allowing yourself to be alone with him when it is forbidden. I am not pointing a finger at you here. What I am trying to say to you is that you should have walked out on him the very first time you were emotionally and verbally abused. You should not have allowed him to be alone with you. He probably saw through your vulnerability and he capitalized on it because he knew you were naive enough to believe him. Please tell me if I am wrong.
He is not worth remembering, neither in your dua in your salaah nor after your salaah. Why give him such an elevated position? He does not deserve any negative duas from you either. Accept that all good comes from Allah Ta’ala and the bad has come what you unfortunately fell for. He is gone and that’s it, you make a life for yourself with Allah Ta’ala’s blessings. You are very young and if you want to believe that you will not get married, then it is your choice. Remember, Allah Ta’ala is for you what your expectations are of Him. If you believe that Allah Ta’ala will grant you a pious husband, then that is what Allah Ta’ala will grant you, insha’allah. All of us have to remember that sometimes if we are not granted a marriage partner that is also from Allah Ta’ala.
I would like to suggest that you involve yourself in studying the Quran in English and that you empower yourself with Islamic knowledge which will help you and equip you to face life with a positive approach. Be steadfast on your 5 daily salaah, make lots of zikr, istigfaar and dua for Allah Ta’ala’s blessings and mercy. Recite His ninety nine names abundantly, learn the meanings of these names and let them bring peace and tranquility into your life. Do remember to read darood shareef in abundance and perform tahujjud salaah nightly. May Allah Ta’ala guide and comfort you. Ameen.
And Allah Ta’ala knows best.
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CHECKED & APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai