My wife verbally and physically abuses me and makes dua against me. What should I do?

Dear Shuyookh. I appreciate that you receive a large number of queries. HOWEVER I am asking this question for approximately the 3rd or 4th time with no response.

I also appreciate that you prefer not to deal with relationship issues, HOWEVER I see on your site that you often answer relationship queries from women. I have asked this question many times yet I do not recieve any reply.

Please Oh inheritors of the Prophets AS I ask you in the name of Allah to help me. I am struggling badly with my problem and I have hardly anyone to turn to. For the majority of my marriage, I have suffered extreme emotional and verbal abuse from my wife. We have been married for 11 years. Our marriage was arranged and we had no haram relationship beforehand. My wife wears Niqab and we try and follow the Quran and Sunnah in our lives. We have 4 children. The verbal and emtional abuse consists of swearing, cursing, name-calling, belittling a lack of respect, denial of affection and of course denial of intimacy. The worst is constant making duas against me. I have also been physically assaulted on many occasions. I have never hit her or sworn at her.

I have tried to follow the Islamic method of dealing with this. I have firstly tried to rectify myself and my worship. I have also taken my case to my parents, her parents, a Dar ul Ifta and I have also seen counsellors. Ultimately I have even issued her 2 divorces. I do not wish to break up my family however I cannot cope with her endless hatred, demands of divorce and lack of respect and love. I am a young man I have basic needs of love, intimacy and companionship.

I have an easy going, kind and passive nature. I mean no harm to anyone. I have been advised to bear with patience. I am fed up of constantly being blamed for her, being told that as I am the husband the wife is a reflection of me. I honestly don’t know what I am doing wrong and I am exhausting myself earning a living as well as cooking, cleaning, taking the children to school, doing the laundry and the shopping. By the way she has already been checked for Jinn/magic involvement. She does not have any mental health issues which has also been checked. My questions are 1) Islamically is her behaviour justified?

She is often quoting how she is a woman and women were created from a rib and ho w the wi ves of the Prophet SAW would also behave badly sometimes 2) Assuming I have not oppressed her and given her her rights and fulfilled my duties, Islamically is it my fault? Does she not carry any of the blame. 3) She refuses to come to marital counselling or even speak to an Aalim on the phone. Is it dhulm if I divorce her? 4) If her behaviour is as I have described does she not forfeit her marital rights of maintenance etc? 5) Am I being unreasonable if I try and find another wife? 6) If I marry another wife and my first wife’s treatment of me stays the same (Rebellion, disobedience) is it true that she is not Islamically entitled to equal and fair treatment given that she is Naashiz? Just to re-emphasise, I have consulted elders/family/people of influence. Her behaviour is making me cry every day and I feel helpless.

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

May Allah reward you for patience. Ameen.

You have stated that your wife is constantly demanding divorce, makes dua against you and also abuses you physically and verbally.

You have also stated in your inquiry that you have tried every possible way to keep this marriage intact including consulting elders, your parents, her parents, marriage counseling with ulama, etc without success. Your wife has not showed any interest in marriage counseling and refuses to even speak to a scholar regarding your marriage. She is also denying you intimacy and you are practically doing all the work including cleaning, cooking, etc in addition to your job.

In light of all the above and based on what you have written we would advise you to do the following: Communicate to your parents and her parents that you are giving this marriage one last chance. Either your wife has to go through marriage counseling with you or you will end it. She has to inform the marriage counselor why is it that she dislikes you so much and is constantly asking for a divorce? Why is it that she physically and verbally abuses you? What is the reason or motive for her behavior? Perhaps there is something that she is not telling you that is possible for you to address or change once you find out.

If she refuses to go through marriage counseling, then we would advise you to amicably divorce her and move on with your life while making sure that the children are spared any ill-effects as far as possible.

Mufti Sohail ibn Arif,
Assistant Mufti, Darul Iftaa
Chicago, USA

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.