Brother committing major sins (urgent)
Assalamu Alaykum. Please reply as soon as possible. Thank you for having this very beneficial service, may Allah reward you abundantly.
I have a very serious issue. I have only just found out my older brother is committing very major sins like drinking and smoking and he’s been doing it for a very long time. I’m so worried because I am in a difficult position.
One of my cousins told me and Im thinking to tell my mum. I cannot confront or help my brother because if he even finds out, let alone find out that i told my mum, he would hurt me greatly and there would be family problems. He may not speak to me again. I also think if I tell my mum, she will get very upset and cry and my brother will know I found out and my mum would be so angry and hurt and could have serious problems with our family.
I have made dua, and I feel its best to tell my mum, because I was also sinful and if it wasn’t for my mum finding out , I may still do the sins today. But I’m scared as so many family problems could occur. My brother lives away from home for university, after my mum begged him not to move away, and he commits these sins and maybe more there. He also just went to Amsterdam (lower legal drinking age), after my mum really didn’t want him to because she fears he won’t pray, both at uni and Amsterdam. My brother is in Amsterdam with a different cousin (they both are doing these sins) for many more days and may continue with these sins, please reply as soon and tell me exactly how to deal with the situation. I dont think there’s any way I can talk to my brother about this without him getting aggressive.
Also is it considered gossip and haram that my cousin told me this, so I could make dua and do something about it?
Please make dua for him and my family
JazakhAllah
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
May Allah reward you for seeking advice on how to stop your brother from committing sins.
From your inquiry you seem to have thought out the various scenarios, by weighing the benefits and consequences of telling your mother about your brother’s sins.
We understand that he is your older brother and you do not feel that you will be able to influence him in any way and that matters will only get worse if he finds out that you were the one that told your mother about his drinking problem.
We suggest you think of an alternative way to have your mother informed of your brother’s activities. For example, you can ask your cousin to inform your mother directly so that you are not involved in this and are able to get your brother the help he needs.
It is understandable that your mother will be upset by the behavior of your brother but she was also able to help you when you were committing sins. As a result you have repented from that lifestyle. Keep hope and don’t despair. Pray for strength for yourself, your mother and your brother that he may also be positively influenced like you were once your mother found out.
If no one intervenes, your brother will continue slipping away, Allah forbid. The more he drinks the more of an addiction it will become and other sins are bound to follow. Consider the following:
“Uthman (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “Avoid alcohol for it is the mother of all evils. There was a man among those who came before you who was a devoted worshiper. An immoral woman fell in love with him, and she sent her maidservant to him saying: ‘We are calling you to bear witness.’ So he (the devoted worshiper) went with the maidservant, and every time he entered a door, she (the maidservant) locked it behind them, until he reached a beautiful woman with whom was a boy and a vessel of wine.”
“She (the woman said) said, ‘By Allah, I did not call you to bear witness, rather I called you either to have intercourse with me, or to drink a cup of this wine, or to kill this boy.’ He said, ‘Pour me some of this wine.’ So she poured him a cup, then he said, ‘Give me more,’ and he did not stop until he had had intercourse with her and killed the child.”
(Uthman said): “So avoid alcohol, for by Allah, faith and addiction to wine cannot be combined except soon one of them will be expelled.” [Sunan al-Nasai’, Book of Drinks: Sins generated by drinking alcohol such as forsaking salah, murder and committing adultery, Hadith# 5669] [i]
The man started with drinking wine and it led him to commit all the other sins the woman had called him towards.
The commentators have stated regarding the above tradition that either the addiction to drinking will expel that person’s faith or that person will repent and as a result his faith (iman) will expel the drinking (addiction). [ii]
Keeping the above in mind, you should seek out the best way to help your brother deal with his addiction to drinking as soon as possible. However, take steps to ensure you are not seen as involved in this if it will cause problems between you and your brother.
May Allah enable your brother to repent and overcome his addiction. May Allah protect him and all of us from the evils of drinking. Ameen.
Mufti Sohail ibn Arif,
Assistant Mufti, Darul Iftaa
Chicago, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
أخبرنا سويد قال أنبأنا عبد الله عن معمر عن الزهري عن أبي بكر بن عبد الرحمن بن الحارث عن أبيه قال [i]
سمعت عثمان رضي الله عنه يقول اجتنبوا الخمر فإنها أم الخبائث إنه كان رجل ممن خلا قبلكم تعبد فعلقته امرأة غوية فأرسلت إليه جاريتها فقالت له إنا ندعوك للشهادة فانطلق مع جاريتها فطفقت كلما دخل بابا أغلقته دونه حتى أفضى إلى امرأة وضيئة عندها غلام وباطية خمر فقالت إني والله ما دعوتك للشهادة ولكن دعوتك لتقع علي أو تشرب من هذه الخمرة كأسا أو تقتل هذا الغلام قال فاسقيني من هذا الخمر كأسا فسقته كأسا قال زيدوني فلم يرم حتى وقع عليها وقتل النفس فاجتنبوا الخمر فإنها والله لا يجتمع الإيمان وإدمان الخمر إلا ليوشك أن يخرج أحدهما صاحبه.
سنن النسائي – كتاب الأشربة – ذكر الآثام المتولدة عن شرب الخمر من ترك الصلوات ومن قتل النفس التي حرم الله ومن وقوع على المحارم – الرقم: ٥٦٦٩
أن يخرج أحدهما أي الخمر صاحبه أي الأيمان إن لم يتب وإن تاب فقد أخرج الأيمان الخمر فلله الحمد [ii]
حاشية السيوطي والسندي على سنن النسائي ٨/ ٧١٨ دار المعرفة